so another conversation that i had with some comrades was deep and left me feeling some type of way... it was good.. but it took me to a place that i had not visited in a minute.
i always say that when you enter a relationship you have to be ready for whatever comes with that person. if you really love them you will hang in there with them (in most circumstances... no like someone who is going to harm you or something)...
so in the conversation somethings were shared and basically my situation came up... but it was in reference to someone else. i can't begin to tell you the since of relief that i felt when i heard this persons story! but... their story didn't turn out like mine... the person left them.
i feel like if you really love someone... the biggest things seem so minimal. i believe a lot can be conquered with love. but this story made me feel like... i'm glad i stuck it out... but i could have handled a lot of things differently and with more strength than i did.
in my eyes... we have never ended... we are still attached to each other... at least in my eyes. but i know things could be better if i would have kept the strength and tenacity that i had in the beginning. i messed up... i'm just grateful that he still loves me.
situations arised and i did not hold him down like i was supposed to. i was supposed to always be there and i took a hiatus. love does not take a break... when i did this, i have to say this is the worst i have felt in my heart and my spirit in my life! i was torn up! i still kinda beat myself up about it... i just think about the time that was lost. it wasn't a long time... but time is precious and i should have been there for him. there were people who knew me well who played on certain emotions and said things that they knew... no matter how strong my love is for him they were gonna make me crumble. i was a fool to ever fall for it... i should have been on top of things.
this relationship has taught me that jealousy is a weak emotion! and honestly jealousy has hendered me a lot in this relationship. but i've learned... and i've finally grown up! it was certain people and things that i just was not having it with... but this man has the most infectious personality and everyone loves to be around him... that's what makes people fall in love with him.
i was looking for something that i already had... assurance. i guess i was looking for vocal assurance... but now i realize our relationships exsistance alone was enough assurance in itself! now i know together... we were determined.
(wow... i really just had a moment. tears are falling from my face... i thought i was done with the tears... i really miss him.)
i wish i knew then what i have grown to know now... i would have done so much the same yet different. there's is one thing i can't say... is that my love for him won't change. it has changed... i love him more...
no matter who has come and gone... at the end of it all it's been him. i've dated others since him... but it always leads back to him.
maybe God is doing something that i can't see... maybe this is why we aren't "together." i trust God so it is whatever... i just wish i could subject my heart and my emotions to deal. i had it together until last night and then all these emotions began to resurface and i was not ready! i send my faith and peace to this situation... (thanks pastor williams)!
ok... i'm good. peace.
remember... you can never have peace if you don't progress.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon
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