i'm back...

i must say i had to take sometime and find me. me and aviqon lost touch for a while. i've been through a lot in the past 6+ months and somewhere in the process i lost myself. it was something going on internally and it was showing on the outside which left my friends and family to wonder.

you ever notice when your in a situation that may not necessarily be good for you, you feel like those who are truly concerned for you are against you? well that was me...

i've been thinking about it for a while and i didn't really realize it until i wrote a piece about what a relationship that one of my close friends (that shall remain nameless) was in and now i find myself in every word of that piece 2 years later.

there is nothing new under the sun... we all have subjected ourselves in some form. i suffer from what i like to call "superwoman syndrome." i want to save the world. i will give all of myself and then when i need me... there is none of me left. so i guess this is my declaration that i'm putting God first and me second. i've got to do me.

i missed me. i miss all the things about me that make me... me. now i'm not saying i wasn't being myself. i was more of a watered down, depressed version of myself. i was me in black and white... before cable and hd tv. yeah... you ever noticed how beautiful disney movies are when they're re-mastered and put on dvd? well that's what God was (and still is) doing to me. he's taken me through a storm to re-master me and make me more beautiful than ever before and it's all him and none of myself.

have you ever been so low that you become complacent with where you are? even when you know you are operating below your standards? complacency is a disease and if you let it... it can become terminal and kill your spirit. no matter what your going through don't become complacent... keep striving even if you feel what your striving for isn't tangible because it's there.

i know some of you are wondering... "well, what was going on?" that's neither here nor there. just know that God won't let you stay down for long... but you have to listen for his voice and look for him. he will show you things... whether you want to take heed or not. take it from me and heed to His word! you'll see caution signs everywhere! lol...

ahh... i'm back! i feel good about me again... all of me! i'm back in love with me! no one deserves your love and affection more than yourself! call it conceited or whatever you will just make sure you call me beautiful! God's love radiates through the beauty he blessed me with... don't believe me just look and see...



well folks... that's all for now! gotta go to WORK! yeah... something i didn't do for five months and God has blessed me with the type of job i've always wanted! i have a career...

drain the pain...

have you ever hurt so bad
that you cry almost everyday?
trying to drain the pain.
my baby is gone...
my boyfriend is away...
now i'm all alone.
it's so hard out here with no one to lean on.
no one to hug me when i'm sad...
no one to share a laugh...
there are lots of people around but none of them are you.
i try to smile...
then something happens and places a frown.
all i have is the ring of the phone...
hoping its you...
or hoping its a job.
i want to believe that Gods got me...
but my faith is holding on by a string.
i need things to be fixed...
i need things to be better than they were before.
when will i stop crying...
i don't want to hurt anymore.
crying and crying...
every tear represents something i'm feeling.
all the weight that is on my back.
everyday something new...
i can't keep track.
the pain i feel i can't describe...
i hope my tears will drain it out
until God decides to let me out.

avie'sBoy... 3/2/2010

how i love you...
though i didn't birth you...
i care for you as if you came out of my womb.
when your here it fills me with joy...
whether your throwing up, running around,
or playing in the tub with your toys.
you and daddy complete me.
every day you teach me how to love you.
every expression you make lets me know if i'm doing it right.
especially when you reach for me and hold me tight.
with every bottle i make...
and every diaper i change...
i do it all with so much love.
i pray i'm around to watch you grow.
i can't wait to see you jammin' at daddy's first show.
to see you learn to play the drums...
score a touchdown and your first free throw.
to see you go from braids to a fade...
and go with your uncle to skate...
to see you dig into your first cake.
even though i may not always be able to be there...
just know you'll always be avie's boy.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

different you...

been through enough of them...
can't say a lot of them...
but none of them like you.
we are like music...
different background...
different situations...
but our hearts speak the same language.
our love like music is universal...
cause there's no part of my heart you haven't touched.
i've never had a love so mutually...
supportive, understanding, and true.
no more than the other although we try...
our love, like children grow up together...
and bloom in our eyes.
your so different...
but so true.
no one has ever loved me the way that you do.
i love my different you.


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

360° and the some...

Gosh... I feel like I am in the same place I was in this time last year. So I'm praying that in August I will get a job just like I did a year ago. Man... If I knew this shit was gonna happen to me I would have never left my job that I had. But right is right and wrong is wrong. Now I'm just trying learn how to cope.

Not only am I learning how to cope with the loss of my financial independence. I'm trying to learn how to deal with the loss of my unborn child. Yes... some people say, "It was just a miscarriage, you'll have another one. It's not like the baby was born." But until you've gone through that, you'll never know the pain I experienced.

So what's next... I don't know. Go back to school maybe? I know one thing I need a job asap! I mean my boyfriend takes care of it all, but I'm used to working. This at home thing isn't working for me. I don't see how some people do it.

I can't say that my faith isn't wavering... but like a tree I'm fighting to stay grounded. It's like one thing after the other... things happening back to back. I could easily go back to living with family but for what? I moved out to be independent and to handle my own... so when things get rough I'm not gonna run. God's gonna see me through it and I hope that he can forgive me for my moments of doubt. I'm still learning how to give it all over to him.

I mean how would you feel if you had a degree that you look at everyday and you have nothing to show for it (according to your standards)? It hurts to feel all your hard work is just sitting pretty on your mantle (or in my case my picture stand). I'm still proud of it... I just wish I could exercise its true value. You have it all figured out until after you cross that stage and it doesn't work out that way. But in the back of my mind I feel that I will come out on top and that this experience will make me appreciate my success.

untitled... it just speaks.

what do you do when the shoulders of which you once stood
have now... collapsed?
what do you do when you are bursting to express yourself...
but feel as if your words have lost their essence?
what do you do when you have the love of your life...
but then when you and he combine to make one that is both of you...
that one falls into eternal slumber from right under you?
what do you do when your happy and sad at the same time?
you've been taught to seek their approval...
when in all actuality that approval doesn't mean shit.
but that's all you know do.
i'm starting something new...
because i need to take my sanity back from you.
i'm stressed...
i'm crying...
i'm stretched...
i've sought to find my joy...
but what brings me joy doesn't fit your definition...
you make me pay for it.
your words sting...
your stares burn a whole in my heart...
if it's hurting you so bad then leave me alone and let me be.
i'm tired of it.
what you took from her...
will not be taken from me.
this is a vicious cycle that will never be broken...
but i will be the speed bump...
cause this life on display for me just wont be.
independence is the best policy.
starting new love,
new traditions,
new support,
new care,
new vocabulary,
new actions,
for me and my family.
its funny how things turn when things get tight.
i once had your support...
but now its not alright.
how can the team conquer the fight,
with bipolar cheerleaders on sight?
but slowly i'm learning to cheer myself on...
cause my life whether it's to your liking...
has to go on.


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Be Alright (Dedication)... J. White featuring Aviqon (Foreign Exchange)

Ok ya'll... it's been a minute. But I think I'm back. If not I'm going to force my pen to write because writing gives me clarity as well as sanity. But this blog is more of a vocal blog. It's my first song that I sang with my boyfriend J.White. It's entitled
"Be Alright" (Dedication) (Sample: The Foreign Exchange- Be Alright) its in memory of our child we lost due to miscarriage and his brother. If you've already commented on my facebook THANK YOU! Check it out and please give me some feedback! Love you!

The greatest pain...

I have experienced the greatest pain I could ever feel in my life. The questions of "Why?" and "How?" cloud my mind. What could I have done so wrong to ever deserve such pain? But it's not about me... God knows best. But I can't say that even with my ferverent belief in the Lord that this statement brought me much comfort or peace. All I knew is a piece of me is gone and I don't know how or why. Something created in so much love has floated away at the drop of blood.

Things that I said in anger I never ever meant. Stress of life's burdens weighing on my shoulders and on your little body. I did my best to be a good mommy even before you were here because I loved you more than life itself. But I'd rather you safe in the arms of the Lord and in the company of your family of angels in heaven then to suffer here on earth with something beyond your control.

I now know what it feels like to have your heart ripped right out of your chest... feeling like your living with no life left. I'm slowly coming back to life... slowly smiling here and there, accompanied by a laugh or two. But in my heart I'm sorrowfully singing:

"Twinkle Twinkle little star... How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high... Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle Twinkle little star... How I wonder what you are."

Mommy and Daddy Love you soo much... Until we meet again!

"Sweet little flower of Heavenly birth, you were too fair to bloom on Earth"


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

song of the blog: "esp" by georgia anne muldrow

Bittersweet Honesty...

Why does this love thing have to be so hard? Why can't you just be honest and your honesty not hurt? God has commanded us to be honest so why does it have to hurt when we are?

I've always been a person in relationships I always want to be honest with my partner and look for the same in my partner. But when you bring up the past do you ever wonder if your getting the raw truth? People are very sensitive about their past... I know I am. When it comes to past relationships... I think that's as sensitive as it gets.

1. Because you want to still see your partner as pure as you saw them when you first met.

2. Everyone has that little thorn in their stem called jealousy. You don't want to think of your boy/girlfriend loving anyone else more than they love you.

3. Some stuff you just don't want to hear... and some stuff you don't want to tell.

But... I try to be absolutely honest because I have nothing to hide. I think me and my boyfriend have been pretty honest with each other, even though it can still be a touchy subject.

So what do you think? When your in a serious relationship do you tell the truth or do you skim it? Give the name brand or the generic version of the truth?


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

uhhh... the reason for my stress!

http://www.wect.com/Global/story.asp?S=12597805

IM NOT GETTING PAID!!!! THE YAHWEH CENTER DOESN'T PAY!!!!

CASTLE HAYNE, NC (WECT) - The Yahweh Center Children's Village in New Hanover County is a picturesque place where kids who are hurting go to heal. But beyond the white picket fences, there are signs of financial trouble.

Monica Carter has worked at the Yahweh Center for two months and says she has yet to receive a single paycheck. The check she should have received Friday didn't make it into her hands. Instead, she found a memo from Carla Roberts, the founder and executive director of the Yahweh Center, explaining that employees would be paid four days late.

"I have bills," said Carter. "I have kids, and I can't wait for Wednesday to get here and then they're like, 'No, I don't have anything for you.'"

While Carter is the first to speak out publicly, she's the fifth Yahweh employee to tell WECT about ongoing payroll problems, and much more. We sat down with Carla Roberts to get her side of the story.

"I'm in it up to my ears," said Roberts, saying that she is suffering just as much as her employees.

Roberts says there's just not enough money to go around, and blames many of the issues on the state.

"They've skipped. They've shorted us," she said.

She also claims they went three weeks without sending her any Medicaid reimbursement. However, when we checked with the state, we were told that is simply false. In fact, the Department of Health and Human Services said Roberts has received more than $500,000 so far this year; that's about one fourth of her total operating budget of $2.2 million.

"Sounds like mismanagement to me," said Carter.

She and other employees say the management problems go beyond money, to something much more important -- the care of the children.

They also say one of the most difficult parts of the situation is that not only God's name, but God's word are both inextricably connected with The Yahweh Center. It's just a matter of how that word is being used. Some say it's strictly to help the children. Others say it's turned into a method of manipulation. They claim Roberts uses their Christian faith to convince them it's ok if they get paid weeks behind schedule, because God will provide.

"Manipulation, people can call it what they want. I'm telling them the truth," said Roberts, saying the organization is transparent and open with its employees, and above all, centered around Christ.

"You need to know there's great sacrifice going on here, and there are programs all over North Carolina shutting down."

It's clear that no one wants the Yahweh Center to close its gates next, but Carter and a growing list of others do want some answers, and above all, they want what's best for the kids who call Yahweh home.

Courtesy of WECT TV 6, Wilmington, NC

family tree...

what is that i've done...
that you have done i can't see...
cause you know they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
so tell me auntie...
what are your leaves covering?
yes this is the way mommy did it...
and now it's my turn.
no this wasn't exactly my plan...
but the leaves grow where they may...
and a new little branch is sprouting out my limb.
so let the rain fall...
let it grow in peace...
and if you can't bear the fruit...
fall off the tree and go your way...
cause no matter how you see it... this is God's way.


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009


~Thanks for reading...
and if you haven't clicked that follow button on
the right side above my loyal community, please do
and join the Land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

a new definition of soulmate...

a new look on love...
a new look on people...
a new look on music...
a new look on relationships...
a new look on family...
a new look on life...
a new look on me...

that's what he's given me.
i honestly know what it's like to have a religious love for someone...
this love is spiritual and will last a lifetime.
two opposites that share one heart... you are my soulmate.

it's crazy to me because i never thought it would be you.
but you came, saw, and conquered...
i'm holding on to you...
and your holding on to me...
both holding on for dear life.





two opposites... one heart... the new definition of my soulmate...

<3 freelancefloetic...


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009


~Thanks for reading...
and if you haven't clicked that follow button on
the right side above my loyal community, please do
and join the Land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

my decree to mother...

i'm trying hard not to grow attached...
backing off so i won't become a part...
but how can someone so cute, small, innocent, and pure not steal my heart?
i don't want to be his mother...
i just can't help that i love him.
sorry baby mama...
i can't turn away...
i'm in love with his daddy so i'm going to stay.
i've been considerate and tacit...
but you'll just have to face it.
to fight you that's just basic...
i'm pretty...
i'm a queen...
such a lady as you've heard or seen...
to get my hands dirty on someone who is beneath me is so demeaning.
you want baby daddy...
sorry lady, in your dreams.
my relationship with your son will never be done...
& this war you've created will never be won.
so grow up and become someone...
& maybe then you might can raise your son.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009


~Thanks for reading...
and if you haven't clicked that follow button on
the right side above my loyal community, please do
and join the Land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon