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Saturday, July 24, 2010

360° and the some...

Gosh... I feel like I am in the same place I was in this time last year. So I'm praying that in August I will get a job just like I did a year ago. Man... If I knew this shit was gonna happen to me I would have never left my job that I had. But right is right and wrong is wrong. Now I'm just trying learn how to cope.

Not only am I learning how to cope with the loss of my financial independence. I'm trying to learn how to deal with the loss of my unborn child. Yes... some people say, "It was just a miscarriage, you'll have another one. It's not like the baby was born." But until you've gone through that, you'll never know the pain I experienced.

So what's next... I don't know. Go back to school maybe? I know one thing I need a job asap! I mean my boyfriend takes care of it all, but I'm used to working. This at home thing isn't working for me. I don't see how some people do it.

I can't say that my faith isn't wavering... but like a tree I'm fighting to stay grounded. It's like one thing after the other... things happening back to back. I could easily go back to living with family but for what? I moved out to be independent and to handle my own... so when things get rough I'm not gonna run. God's gonna see me through it and I hope that he can forgive me for my moments of doubt. I'm still learning how to give it all over to him.

I mean how would you feel if you had a degree that you look at everyday and you have nothing to show for it (according to your standards)? It hurts to feel all your hard work is just sitting pretty on your mantle (or in my case my picture stand). I'm still proud of it... I just wish I could exercise its true value. You have it all figured out until after you cross that stage and it doesn't work out that way. But in the back of my mind I feel that I will come out on top and that this experience will make me appreciate my success.

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