istill feel some type of way...

so another conversation that i had with some comrades was deep and left me feeling some type of way... it was good.. but it took me to a place that i had not visited in a minute.

i always say that when you enter a relationship you have to be ready for whatever comes with that person. if you really love them you will hang in there with them (in most circumstances... no like someone who is going to harm you or something)...


so in the conversation somethings were shared and basically my situation came up... but it was in reference to someone else. i can't begin to tell you the since of relief that i felt when i heard this persons story! but... their story didn't turn out like mine... the person left them.


i feel like if you really love someone... the biggest things seem so minimal. i believe a lot can be conquered with love. but this story made me feel like... i'm glad i stuck it out... but i could have handled a lot of things differently and with more strength than i did.

in my eyes... we have never ended... we are still attached to each other... at least in my eyes. but i know things could be better if i would have kept the strength and tenacity that i had in the beginning. i messed up... i'm just grateful that he still loves me.


situations arised and i did not hold him down like i was supposed to. i was supposed to always be there and i took a hiatus. love does not take a break... when i did this, i have to say this is the worst i have felt in my heart and my spirit in my life! i was torn up! i still kinda beat myself up about it... i just think about the time that was lost. it wasn't a long time... but time is precious and i should have been there for him. there were people who knew me well who played on certain emotions and said things that they knew... no matter how strong my love is for him they were gonna make me crumble. i was a fool to ever fall for it... i should have been on top of things.


this relationship has taught me that jealousy is a weak emotion! and honestly jealousy has hendered me a lot in this relationship. but i've learned... and i've finally grown up! it was certain people and things that i just was not having it with... but this man has the most infectious personality and everyone loves to be around him... that's what makes people fall in love with him.

i was looking for something that i already had... assurance. i guess i was looking for vocal assurance... but now i realize our relationships exsistance alone was enough assurance in itself! now i know together... we were determined.

(wow... i really just had a moment. tears are falling from my face... i thought i was done with the tears... i really miss him.)

i wish i knew then what i have grown to know now... i would have done so much the same yet different. there's is one thing i can't say... is that my love for him won't change. it has changed... i love him more...

no matter who has come and gone... at the end of it all it's been him. i've dated others since him... but it always leads back to him.

maybe God is doing something that i can't see... maybe this is why we aren't "together." i trust God so it is whatever... i just wish i could subject my heart and my emotions to deal. i had it together until last night and then all these emotions began to resurface and i was not ready! i send my faith and peace to this situation... (thanks pastor williams)!

ok... i'm good. peace.
remember... you can never have peace if you don't progress.

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Look Up... feat. feelingmyself

Hey ya'll... I just want to start of by saying... I am feeling myself today! Contrary to popular belief... this isn't an everyday occurrence. I decided to try something new! So, for those who know me... know that I hate doing my hair and I avoid it as much as fiscally possible. Well do to the current state of my wallet and bank account... I am forced to do it myself. So this morning I had to wash it... but I so didn't want to pull out the irons! So... I decided to embrace the 1/3 of me that is indian (buckhead indian... rieglwood, nc) and do the wet and wavy.

Here it is.......and the more it dried... the more beautiful it became. Ok... that's enough... I get like that at times. :) (i had to do it... today was a feel good day!)

So... today I heard from my swain today and we were talking about how God has made a way, when there seems like there isn't one. We are the same yet so different... I try to check the "10 year" forcast of my life... while he on the other hand worries about himself fiscally.

So I sent him some scriputure from Matthew 6: 25-34 that talks about not worrying. If you have time and this is a struggle for you get into this scripture. It will bring things to light for you and if your anything like me... BOOKMARK IT you will need a refresher... especially when drop dead broke!

I just want to say is... that look up to the most high when things look dim, slim, and trim! Your bank account may be looking really bare, but know that God's bank account runneth over and he's got your back! Someone significant in your life maybe acting up... know that God's got it all in control!

But my favorite is (my personal testimony... some may share this): WHEN RIGHT SEEMS TO GET YOU NOWHERE... AND WRONG SEEMS TO GET THOSE WHO ENDULGE IN IT ANY AND EVERYTHING THEY WANT AND NEED! THEY SEEM TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER AND EVERYTHINGS WORKING OUR FOR THEM.... remember that...THE RACE ISN'T GIVEN TO THE SWIFT OR TO THE STRONG BUT TO THOSE WHO ENDURE TO THE END!

I had to learn to stop looking at others situations... you don't know their story. You don't know what happened to get them to where they are. You have to trust in God for yourself and let him bless you according to his will and the path he has predestined for you.

Know that he's there... God never leads you where his grace and mercy can't keep you! He has a plan for everything! We just have to trust him! I am learning more and more to trust him daily... and he reveals that he has it all in control in many different ways... and today he sent it through my swain.

Prayer works! If you don't believe it... I dare you to try!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Untitled... Speechless 2/17/07

So... this was my first attempt at poetry! I hope that you like it. I was inspired to put this up because of a convo I had with my blogtv fam... and it took me to a place. A special person was my muse for this as well as 50% of my other pieces... but anyway... tell me what you think!


I want to start out with poetry of my own words...
The thought of me actually erecting words to translate to you
precisely what I feel in my heart and from the depths of my soul...
that's hard to do that when it comes to you.

From choirmates.. to best friends... to lovers...
something that I thought was so subliminal from the reality of my life.
Little did I know that God loves me so much
that he gave me the one thing that my heart was longing for...
that one desire is EDF...

At first the slightest thing became the biggest thing
from wanting to be in your company...
Engulfed in your presence was a good love feeling
but it was also a feeling of congestion and suffocation...

Never was that my intention...
but a girl as lucky as I...
always wants her good luck charm around.

To ~~~~~Breathe~~~~~ was all you wanted
no love lost...
Growing in love with the pursuit of happiness with you,
I took the chance to ~~~~~~Breathe~~~~~~
scared that it would inflict our relationship...
for it to become the best sacrifice I ever made...
It made our love grow!

Five months later... life with you is so much greater...
greater than I could ever imagine.
A love soo extraordinary...
a new beauty it has given to me...
that it illuminates from the trenches of my soul.


Missing you teases me, yet it's healthy... (God I miss my Pooh...)
The sound of your ringer titillates me... (He's calling!)
Seeing you makes me grateful to have you... (That's all mine...)
Holding you melts my heart as we harmonize together...

Our conversation is my favorite song...
For music is a language that everyone can understand...
But when it comes to you and I...
Music is our personal language... our communication...
that no one understands but us...


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

God Has a Purpose and a Plan...

"God has a plan and a purpose for you life." That was one of my former pastors theme for our church. I saw that sign (you remember the banners that you used to print from the old school computers... lol) every Sunday... so why am I having a hard time with it?

First... let me express my sincere thanks to God for blessing me this far! I'm very fortunate to be on the path that I am on.

BUT WHY ARE THINGS MOVING SO SLOW! God must be teaching me patience... cause I'm going through it! My job is like... playing hard to get or something. This training is killing me... one day I come in... the next I don't. I guess that wouldn't be such a bad thing if I was somewhere like Wilmington... or Salisbury where I have something to do... where I know my way around... and where I know people! I hate Greensboro!!! I hate it... I hate it... I hate it. My job is the only reason why I am even here!

God has got to have something in store for me... because I am definitely in the wilderness. The lonely wilderness... that's what I am going to start calling Greensboro... "the lonely wilderness", North Carolina! I want to be optimistic and make new friends... but I don't even know where to begin!

Ok... I just had to (as my internet friend Dutch says) GO AWF (go off)! This is getting really fustrating and all I have is me and my trusty, dusty, smoppy, floppy, precious... laptop! If it wasn't for Durand's blog tv broadcast (alcoholharmony get into it), youtube (lovebscott), facebook, twitter, and blogger... I would be out of it... cause t.v. ain't shit. We waste money on cable!

To my love... MUSIC! You are my peace and my serenity... without you... I would be insane! I thank God for you! Your always gonna be my #1!

So, I try to see the brightside... when things are looking dim... I try to be optimistic. LORD, I see you winkin' at me... and I trust that you have something up your sleeve to make this loneliness and frustration worth it. You suffered for my sake... so, I must endure as well. I press towards the mark... therefore I will patiently wait on you.

If anyone is in the area... hit a sister up! I need some positive friends that are artistic, spiritual and goal minded!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

creamy nightmare... 3/24/2009

nothing jumped! i wasn't moved at all... it was like looking at a stranger.
i have been released from your death grip...
the grip i unfortunately put on my self!
the quest for self-gratification and lust is a pleasing, yet horrible journey...
and for those called according to HIS purpose, we reap what we sow.
but GOD forgives...

i am the one who has a problem forgiving myself...
until the day nothing inside me moved at the sight of him.
i was stand bold on GOD given strength... cause i'm not gonna lie...
this man's dick is a powerful tool ya'll and sex makes it even better.
knowing better i took on something, a trait unlike me, and entangled myself in a web of lust and past love with him.
this man makes my rivers flow like a broken dam... repeatedly... over and over again, until i am weak and in need of sleep.

in the morning... before class...

in the afternoon... before work...

at night before dinner... and after my nightly shower...

then we do it all again tomorrow.

but that was before the break-up... now we're sneaking around and all we have is the phone.
a part of me wants to see you...
most of me just wants to fuck you.

self-gratification and lust are temporary feelings... never fulfilling...
but i settled for it... for the satisfaction of making you cum more than once.

i've matured as a lover... thanks for that much...
thanks for sending me to the clinic and scarring me to death...
it made me wise up!
i never knew dick could make you go crazy....

this relationship was a dream...
a creamy nightmare!... that i never want to re-live again!

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Held... by 4 arms... 1/23/2009

How does the heart have room to hold so much?
How does the mind conceive the thought of forgiveness when wronged?
Why isn't love already planned out for you so you won't be blessed with the burden to find the golden ticket?
The feeling of being held by the strong arms of a man can say so much to a woman's body...
The sincerity and strength that he puts into bringing me close to him...
The way his arms hold me say...
I'm sorry, I fucked up...
I miss you terribly...
Can I have your blessin' to be let back in your succulent sweet graces?
The flex of his chocolate muscles say I miss your touch and they melt to my curvaceous frame...
I didn't know that arms could say so much so silently...
My body's response sings his name...
I missed you too....
But I'm so scared...
Don't want to be fucked over again...
But you do something to me...
Why are you arms saying everything that I want to hear?
and... Why are your arms not the only ones my body has had a conversation with?
I feel another conversation coming before me...
These arms are so familiar...
When his arms around me they sing me a lullaby...
My body's reply is it's own lovely melody to match his lullaby of limbs...
We make a song that is as beautiful as that of Roberta and Donny...
But the song is only for a couple minutes...
This song has been sung for so long... but it's always had a different tune...
His arms have sung songs of...
I missed you...
I'm unsure...
I love you with the life of me...
But?...
Goodbye...
Welcome Back...
I guess?...
I want to... but I can't...
One conversation is held from the rear...
One conversation is embraced in front...
Held... by 4 arms...?
Two arms that hold me in the front aren't the same that hold me from the rear?
Held... by 4 arms...?
The two from the front are of a soft sweet caramel complexion with a healthy tone...
The two from the rear are of a dark chocolate complexion with scars that tell a story...
These arms...
I know them...
But they have never held me at the same time...
So why are they now?
Damn... Held... by 4 arms...


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Thought of Self... 3/28/2009

Does what you think of yourself even matter...
Does truly being yourself make you even more perceptible to hurt and pain and the expense of a lover?
Cause you don't do things like his others...
Do you even find yourself questioning your self value?
Do you question it because of the things that you accept that you normally wouldn't?
Maybe its the things that he says...
Maybe its his friends...
Maybe its his lifestyle...
Maybe its his kids...
Maybe its what he values...
Maybe its who he screws...
Maybe its his family...
or maybe its you?
Why do we accept what we do... just to have a "boo?"
Being in love and the need to be loved leaves you vulnerable and fucked up...
then we get fed up, leave, now we're acting stuck up.
But when you fall in love with this man... truly in love... you feel his every pain, even though you may never understand... you feel his joys... stick through his strife...
As a woman we naturally nurture... what we naturally own and what we stake claim to.
But the question is has he latched on to you?
Everyone has different intentions... different motives.
Once he was a man of pure and earnest intentions, now he's comfortable, now he's trippin'.
You sat and accepted what was brought your way... thinking this may make you better in someway...
it's been sometime now and you've gotten played.
But at the end of the day... who really has the last say?
He slays you with his words just as well as his sword...
tangled up in a dance... throws your mind in a trance.
Now you've forgot why you were mad... no longer sad...
Here we are laying as lovers do... just that fast I'm back trusting you...
Until the phone rings... now who?

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

A Lost Lovers Soul... 5/20/2009

How is a soul lost in love?
How can you let someone gain control of your spirit?
How can you let someone gain control of your mind?
...you are doing thing that you would never do.
...buying things to hold on to their love... but reality is you never had it.
...you are acting in manner that endangers your life and the lives of your family.
...just to obtain ones love.
Scorned time and time again... but never one lesson learned.
Six years of false love given... you cry tears the size of oceans...
cause unbenounced to you... you let her steal your manhood.
A man raised to a standard... with big shoes to fill?
How would your Daddy feel if he could see you now?
Don't let what was instilled in you fall on unfertile ground...
the older you get the more you should learn.
Where was your concious at?
You acted upon your pain and now your sitting starring at the piss stains on the wall of an open stall!
All for someone who doesn't mean shit to anyone...
...someone you literally gave your all for to make them feel like someone
...who in return stole who you were.
What did it profit you to gain her and loose your soul?
Maybe you will find the anwser as you sit in that cage... something that was never built for a man of your stature.
You were a father to me... before you even became one...
I never needed a Daddy I had you...
There is nothing wrong with wanting the love of another... but never at the cost of your soul.
Because of this... it makes me question how I love.
Nothing is more painful then to see the pain in a scorned lovers eyes...
you see them die to themselves in their stare.
But what makes it worse is when you watch this happen to someone who taught you how to love... and showed you what a man was.
Maybe this is a wake up call for me as well as him...
to show you... YOU CAN'T MAKE NOBODY LOVE YOU!
You can give them the world and your everything... but at the end of the day they still won't love you.
So love yourself... give yourself the world... and give God your everything...
then you will realize that what you need is not in your lover's hold.


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

untitled... (when i miss u this is what i do...) 5/10/2009

i'm searching for myself in you...
not for self identity but for my identity in love.
i am convinced that you hold it...
here i sit loveless and in love with no one to hold.
i sleep in your old t-shirts and pajama pants...
not for the feel of cotton but for the feel of you... the fabric of my heart.
sometimes when i need you near i pull your shirt up to my nose...
as if i am going to catch the sent of you.
damn i really miss you...
i sit and stare at pictures of old... and laugh at the stories they hold.
daily phone calls... texts about you... makes me wish i was still with you.
i would travel those 40 miles... everyday... just to be near you...
to smell your freshness right out the shower...
to rub your back... your arms and your legs... to sooth out any pain the day may have caused you...
to rub your temples to ease your mind...
then take your glasses off cause now you are safe and sound... asleep
to wake up before you... until your alarm goes off... then i act like i'm asleep
cause for the past 20 minutes i've watched you sleep...
i remember when i used to get up and brush my teeth right before you woke up...
so you wouldn't say my breath was sweet.
the inside jokes... our own dry candor... that's just me and you...
the message through the music... that's what you give me...
the sincerity in the words... is what i give to you.
i feel like i'm brewing the finest wine... doing everything to preserve its richness...
our love... our relationship is the wine... it's already got five years...
and wine gets better with time.


...............................just Miss Graham..................................

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

My Biggest Fear.. introducing "The Hellion!"

There are a lot of things that I was exposed to as a child that really makes me think hard about how I want to raise my own family when the time comes. I have just graduated from college... my career is starting up... and I know that family life is approaching... hopefully within the next 5 years.

I have one of the greatest mothers in the world. She is strong... she is a survivor. I am looking forward to inheriting some of her maternal instincts... but I don't want to inherit her luck with love. That is one of my biggest fears... failed relationship after failed relationship, and when you have children that takes a toll on them too.


I cannot recall any memories from my mother and father's marriage. He left when I was 2... and I have seen him sporadically ever since then. From what I know he wasn't a good husband or a good father and now he is in jail doing time for murder. That's basically me and his story. Every time he tried to start a father/daughter relationship... he would always punk out after like a week or 2.

I never really needed him... I grew up fortunate enough to have my great grandparents and my grandparents to live until high school... with one grandmother still standing... I have a bunch of aunts and uncles and most importantly my mother... But not to have a relationship with your father does hurt both consciously and subconsciously. I don't attribute certain behaviors to his absence... I'm a great, well rounded person.

My views on family life and relationships are attributed to his absence as well as growing up as a stepchild. I think this is the worse experience that a child can go through. I know that it doesn't turn out bad for everyone but this is just my personal opinion.

My biggest fear is that I will have children and that things won't work out with their father... leaving me single, them without a father, and on the search for a replacement. I do not want my children to be stepchildren. I have seen the effect it has had on my life and the lives of others and I just can't have that.

So what do you do? Do you stay alone until the children are old enough to find for themselves or do you keep dating? I know that I am a long way away from this issue (prayerfully it won't become an issue)... but I feel like I still harbor some anger against my mother for all that my sister and I went through due to her failed relationships. My mother has a great husband now... what happens between them still affects me because that's my mom... but it does not bother me as much because I am and adult... and I see things a little different now.

My mother's husband has a daughter who is... in my opinion... a complete hellion! I have done some shit in my day... but the things that she does, I would never! I didn't have the balls to even conceive the thought! Since my mom and her husband brought her to live with us... it has been hell for my family. I don't live at home... but the house consist of my sister, my cousin, my uncle, my mom, her husband, and his daughter. I know right...

This home is a testament to my grandparents hardwork and dedication to their children and grandchildren. I grew up in this home and it has been in perfect condition until... she came. We will just name her the hellion... so whenever you see "the hellion" you will know who I am speaking of.

So I get a call from my cousin saying that the hellion has gone ballistic in the house... locked herself in the bathroom and bust the window out! So my first though is OH HELL NO! I'm about to jump in the Seabring and get it poppin'. But then it hit me... What the hell can I do? I am in boring ass Greensboro. So the only thing I can think of is Granny. So I call to check on her and she says she is fine... but she wants the hellion out of her house. While talking to my grandmother I found out that the hellion has also destroyed some of her furniture that she has had for years. So in conclusion, my grandmother told my mom's husband that the hellion could not live in her home any longer and that he has to find somewhere for her to live.

Now what situation does that present my mother with? I think you get the picture. The hellion exudes the type of behavior of how a stepchild can behave. Personally, I think her fat ass was crazy before coming to us. But it just adds to my fears.

I have a dream...
I want to be married...
I want to be in a healthy and loving relationship that will be an example to my future children of what love and marriage is.
I want to have children who have both of their biological parents in the home who equally pour into their lives...
I know that everything won't be perfect... but for my family, I will anything to make that happen.

I wonder if parents realize that their personal relationships do effect the lives of their children? My mom always said... "Don't I have a life? Can't I just be happy?" ... and even as a child my question was... "Is this what you call happiness?"

So as an adult... I have my guard up. I just don't want to make my future husband pay for my (i guess i want to say...) mothers mistakes.

I don't know bloggers... Let me know. Give me some feedback.

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Love Knows no Bounds...

Who defines what is acceptable in love? I was just reading a couple of blogs on myspace between my ex and I and I have to say that we were really in love. I truly believe that love knows no boundaries. I know it to be so because love and logic... they are like oil and water... they just do not mix. We did not have... maybe I should say don't have (our relationship is a never ending story) your ordinary, typical, relationship. There were a lot of things that were present in our lives that a lot of people... if put in that situation would just let go. But I couldn't let go. How do you let go of your dream? This man was my dream since the day I met him... I just didn't know it until months later. As for him... he didn't know it until a year or so later.

Love will make you do some crazy things... When you are truly in love, there is no limit to the things that you will do just to keep the one you love. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary as far as my actions... but mentally I have gone ballistic trying to concieve ways to keep this wheel turning... and that has been my focal point for 5 years. We have survived it all... I believe that our relationship made us stronger individually because we have dodged so many bullets.

Have you ever had friends who you thought were just the most supportive people in the world? ... Only to find out that they are only supportive of the things that they can comprehend. Once a situation arises that is beyond their level of understanding, you no longer have their support? I found that out during our relationship. His friends could not understand why we where dating... and my family and friends could not understand it either. All of our friends were friends with one another... so some of them tag teamed what seemed in my eyes to be just me only to discover that it was both of us. That really took a toll on our relationship... but we stuck it out for as long as we could. We ended up breaking up after eight months. But our relationship has never ended...

Eventhough we broke up... the fire has never gone out. Our love is a bittersweet symphony. I don't know why but no matter who comes... and who goes... at the end of it all we always comeback to each other. I have sometimes wondered if I truly, truly, let go... will we still end up together. But everytime I try my heart leads me back to him. He has open my eyes to so much... we've grown so much together. But I wonder if we will ever grow out of each other?

My biggest fear is that he won't be my husband. I feel that he is my soulmate... No one else fits! No one else complements me so well... But I wonder how he feels. I know some things... but I'm nosey, so I guess I don't know enough. Not enough for comfort or reassurance. I guess because I'm competing against something that may defeat me. I believe it's conquerable... but it's not my battle. Most say that I should just give it up... some say hang in there. I feel that I have invested too much physically, mentally, and spiritually. I've been giving this thing my all. Sometimes I feel that there is no fight left... but everytime he hugs me... nuzzles my cheek... plays a song for me, kisses me, bites his lip, pours into me, all the things that we share as lovers and best friends... it makes me want to fight more. The prize will be rewarding at the end.

What should I do? I'm want answers from those who don't know me...

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon