My Biggest Fear.. introducing "The Hellion!"

There are a lot of things that I was exposed to as a child that really makes me think hard about how I want to raise my own family when the time comes. I have just graduated from college... my career is starting up... and I know that family life is approaching... hopefully within the next 5 years.

I have one of the greatest mothers in the world. She is strong... she is a survivor. I am looking forward to inheriting some of her maternal instincts... but I don't want to inherit her luck with love. That is one of my biggest fears... failed relationship after failed relationship, and when you have children that takes a toll on them too.


I cannot recall any memories from my mother and father's marriage. He left when I was 2... and I have seen him sporadically ever since then. From what I know he wasn't a good husband or a good father and now he is in jail doing time for murder. That's basically me and his story. Every time he tried to start a father/daughter relationship... he would always punk out after like a week or 2.

I never really needed him... I grew up fortunate enough to have my great grandparents and my grandparents to live until high school... with one grandmother still standing... I have a bunch of aunts and uncles and most importantly my mother... But not to have a relationship with your father does hurt both consciously and subconsciously. I don't attribute certain behaviors to his absence... I'm a great, well rounded person.

My views on family life and relationships are attributed to his absence as well as growing up as a stepchild. I think this is the worse experience that a child can go through. I know that it doesn't turn out bad for everyone but this is just my personal opinion.

My biggest fear is that I will have children and that things won't work out with their father... leaving me single, them without a father, and on the search for a replacement. I do not want my children to be stepchildren. I have seen the effect it has had on my life and the lives of others and I just can't have that.

So what do you do? Do you stay alone until the children are old enough to find for themselves or do you keep dating? I know that I am a long way away from this issue (prayerfully it won't become an issue)... but I feel like I still harbor some anger against my mother for all that my sister and I went through due to her failed relationships. My mother has a great husband now... what happens between them still affects me because that's my mom... but it does not bother me as much because I am and adult... and I see things a little different now.

My mother's husband has a daughter who is... in my opinion... a complete hellion! I have done some shit in my day... but the things that she does, I would never! I didn't have the balls to even conceive the thought! Since my mom and her husband brought her to live with us... it has been hell for my family. I don't live at home... but the house consist of my sister, my cousin, my uncle, my mom, her husband, and his daughter. I know right...

This home is a testament to my grandparents hardwork and dedication to their children and grandchildren. I grew up in this home and it has been in perfect condition until... she came. We will just name her the hellion... so whenever you see "the hellion" you will know who I am speaking of.

So I get a call from my cousin saying that the hellion has gone ballistic in the house... locked herself in the bathroom and bust the window out! So my first though is OH HELL NO! I'm about to jump in the Seabring and get it poppin'. But then it hit me... What the hell can I do? I am in boring ass Greensboro. So the only thing I can think of is Granny. So I call to check on her and she says she is fine... but she wants the hellion out of her house. While talking to my grandmother I found out that the hellion has also destroyed some of her furniture that she has had for years. So in conclusion, my grandmother told my mom's husband that the hellion could not live in her home any longer and that he has to find somewhere for her to live.

Now what situation does that present my mother with? I think you get the picture. The hellion exudes the type of behavior of how a stepchild can behave. Personally, I think her fat ass was crazy before coming to us. But it just adds to my fears.

I have a dream...
I want to be married...
I want to be in a healthy and loving relationship that will be an example to my future children of what love and marriage is.
I want to have children who have both of their biological parents in the home who equally pour into their lives...
I know that everything won't be perfect... but for my family, I will anything to make that happen.

I wonder if parents realize that their personal relationships do effect the lives of their children? My mom always said... "Don't I have a life? Can't I just be happy?" ... and even as a child my question was... "Is this what you call happiness?"

So as an adult... I have my guard up. I just don't want to make my future husband pay for my (i guess i want to say...) mothers mistakes.

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Love & Peace... Avi'Qon