just my rant...

my dial doesn't adjust to your feelings...
my color doesn't change with your mood.
i'm not a bag of beans that you can punch to let out your anger.
yes, i'm there when your happy...
i console you when your sad...
i calm you when your mad...
but i am not your mood meter..
your mood ring...
or your punching bag.
don't take out your shit on me!

men why does your woman end up being the one you take it all out on...then you can get on the phone and talk to everyone else like you've had the best day? i really want to know... i've experienced this in a number of relationships and i can't figure this out for the life of me.

you're scared to loose that friend so you put on a parade for them... but when it comes to your significant other you think of them as your commode... open to take in all your shit, then flush it and act like we're the happiest bitch in the world cause we're with you! give me a break! if there is one thing i'm sick of when it comes to men it's this.

It's been a minute...

It's been a minute but I'm still here. Sooo much has happened. I've grown so much internally. I don't know where to begin.

My babie brought me a brand new laptop for my birthday so I'm going to be blogging again. I can't finally get in my cypher, tune everything out and write. I'm excited to see what will come out.

I'm loving life... I'm in the growing pains stage right now though. You know? Fighting tooth and nail for respect as the adult that I am. I pay my own bills... I provide for myself. My other half and I do pretty well for ourselves. I'm proud... especially while raising a 2 year old.

My Jaja Bean... He's a mess and growing so fast. I didn't realize children grow so fast. I never knew that I could love someone sooo much. You can't tell me I didn't birth him though I know I didn't... But I've birthed unrestricted love for him in my heart that I've never felt before. Though trying at times... all the time... Motherhood is beautiful.

It's not hard to love so much when you get that love in return. No matter what we've been through or go through me and my man are meant to be. I love him when he makes me mad, I love him when he irritates me, I love him when we disagree, I love him when he makes me smile, I love him when he embraces me, I love him when he loves me. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. The thing I love most is that we are growing together and I know that that alone continues to let our love grow.

I am missing my friends from college. Whoever said that college friends are friends for a lifetime was soooo right. I went back for the first time in almost 2 years and I didn't realize how much I missed them until it was time to leave. If I could put Salisbury and Wilmington together I would be happy.

I'm enjoying finally having a (somewhat) fulfilling career. Not just a job. In 8 months time I've moved up to working M-F 8-5 vs Thurs-Mon 11-7. Now I'll be interviewing for another position with in the company. God is good.

I just wanted to let you all know where I am right now... there is more to come. But I just wanted to get my mojo going so I can this thing started again!

i'm back...

i must say i had to take sometime and find me. me and aviqon lost touch for a while. i've been through a lot in the past 6+ months and somewhere in the process i lost myself. it was something going on internally and it was showing on the outside which left my friends and family to wonder.

you ever notice when your in a situation that may not necessarily be good for you, you feel like those who are truly concerned for you are against you? well that was me...

i've been thinking about it for a while and i didn't really realize it until i wrote a piece about what a relationship that one of my close friends (that shall remain nameless) was in and now i find myself in every word of that piece 2 years later.

there is nothing new under the sun... we all have subjected ourselves in some form. i suffer from what i like to call "superwoman syndrome." i want to save the world. i will give all of myself and then when i need me... there is none of me left. so i guess this is my declaration that i'm putting God first and me second. i've got to do me.

i missed me. i miss all the things about me that make me... me. now i'm not saying i wasn't being myself. i was more of a watered down, depressed version of myself. i was me in black and white... before cable and hd tv. yeah... you ever noticed how beautiful disney movies are when they're re-mastered and put on dvd? well that's what God was (and still is) doing to me. he's taken me through a storm to re-master me and make me more beautiful than ever before and it's all him and none of myself.

have you ever been so low that you become complacent with where you are? even when you know you are operating below your standards? complacency is a disease and if you let it... it can become terminal and kill your spirit. no matter what your going through don't become complacent... keep striving even if you feel what your striving for isn't tangible because it's there.

i know some of you are wondering... "well, what was going on?" that's neither here nor there. just know that God won't let you stay down for long... but you have to listen for his voice and look for him. he will show you things... whether you want to take heed or not. take it from me and heed to His word! you'll see caution signs everywhere! lol...

ahh... i'm back! i feel good about me again... all of me! i'm back in love with me! no one deserves your love and affection more than yourself! call it conceited or whatever you will just make sure you call me beautiful! God's love radiates through the beauty he blessed me with... don't believe me just look and see...



well folks... that's all for now! gotta go to WORK! yeah... something i didn't do for five months and God has blessed me with the type of job i've always wanted! i have a career...

drain the pain...

have you ever hurt so bad
that you cry almost everyday?
trying to drain the pain.
my baby is gone...
my boyfriend is away...
now i'm all alone.
it's so hard out here with no one to lean on.
no one to hug me when i'm sad...
no one to share a laugh...
there are lots of people around but none of them are you.
i try to smile...
then something happens and places a frown.
all i have is the ring of the phone...
hoping its you...
or hoping its a job.
i want to believe that Gods got me...
but my faith is holding on by a string.
i need things to be fixed...
i need things to be better than they were before.
when will i stop crying...
i don't want to hurt anymore.
crying and crying...
every tear represents something i'm feeling.
all the weight that is on my back.
everyday something new...
i can't keep track.
the pain i feel i can't describe...
i hope my tears will drain it out
until God decides to let me out.

avie'sBoy... 3/2/2010

how i love you...
though i didn't birth you...
i care for you as if you came out of my womb.
when your here it fills me with joy...
whether your throwing up, running around,
or playing in the tub with your toys.
you and daddy complete me.
every day you teach me how to love you.
every expression you make lets me know if i'm doing it right.
especially when you reach for me and hold me tight.
with every bottle i make...
and every diaper i change...
i do it all with so much love.
i pray i'm around to watch you grow.
i can't wait to see you jammin' at daddy's first show.
to see you learn to play the drums...
score a touchdown and your first free throw.
to see you go from braids to a fade...
and go with your uncle to skate...
to see you dig into your first cake.
even though i may not always be able to be there...
just know you'll always be avie's boy.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

different you...

been through enough of them...
can't say a lot of them...
but none of them like you.
we are like music...
different background...
different situations...
but our hearts speak the same language.
our love like music is universal...
cause there's no part of my heart you haven't touched.
i've never had a love so mutually...
supportive, understanding, and true.
no more than the other although we try...
our love, like children grow up together...
and bloom in our eyes.
your so different...
but so true.
no one has ever loved me the way that you do.
i love my different you.


© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

360° and the some...

Gosh... I feel like I am in the same place I was in this time last year. So I'm praying that in August I will get a job just like I did a year ago. Man... If I knew this shit was gonna happen to me I would have never left my job that I had. But right is right and wrong is wrong. Now I'm just trying learn how to cope.

Not only am I learning how to cope with the loss of my financial independence. I'm trying to learn how to deal with the loss of my unborn child. Yes... some people say, "It was just a miscarriage, you'll have another one. It's not like the baby was born." But until you've gone through that, you'll never know the pain I experienced.

So what's next... I don't know. Go back to school maybe? I know one thing I need a job asap! I mean my boyfriend takes care of it all, but I'm used to working. This at home thing isn't working for me. I don't see how some people do it.

I can't say that my faith isn't wavering... but like a tree I'm fighting to stay grounded. It's like one thing after the other... things happening back to back. I could easily go back to living with family but for what? I moved out to be independent and to handle my own... so when things get rough I'm not gonna run. God's gonna see me through it and I hope that he can forgive me for my moments of doubt. I'm still learning how to give it all over to him.

I mean how would you feel if you had a degree that you look at everyday and you have nothing to show for it (according to your standards)? It hurts to feel all your hard work is just sitting pretty on your mantle (or in my case my picture stand). I'm still proud of it... I just wish I could exercise its true value. You have it all figured out until after you cross that stage and it doesn't work out that way. But in the back of my mind I feel that I will come out on top and that this experience will make me appreciate my success.