The Thoughts and Feelings of Graham...

just my rant...

2011-08-18T17:08:00.001-07:00

my dial doesn't adjust to your feelings...
my color doesn't change with your mood.
i'm not a bag of beans that you can punch to let out your anger.
yes, i'm there when your happy...
i console you when your sad...
i calm you when your mad...
but i am not your mood meter..
your mood ring...
or your punching bag.
don't take out your shit on me!

men why does your woman end up being the one you take it all out on...then you can get on the phone and talk to everyone else like you've had the best day? i really want to know... i've experienced this in a number of relationships and i can't figure this out for the life of me.

you're scared to loose that friend so you put on a parade for them... but when it comes to your significant other you think of them as your commode... open to take in all your shit, then flush it and act like we're the happiest bitch in the world cause we're with you! give me a break! if there is one thing i'm sick of when it comes to men it's this.

It's been a minute...

2011-07-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a minute but I'm still here. Sooo much has happened. I've grown so much internally. I don't know where to begin.

My babie brought me a brand new laptop for my birthday so I'm going to be blogging again. I can't finally get in my cypher, tune everything out and write. I'm excited to see what will come out.

I'm loving life... I'm in the growing pains stage right now though. You know? Fighting tooth and nail for respect as the adult that I am. I pay my own bills... I provide for myself. My other half and I do pretty well for ourselves. I'm proud... especially while raising a 2 year old.

My Jaja Bean... He's a mess and growing so fast. I didn't realize children grow so fast. I never knew that I could love someone sooo much. You can't tell me I didn't birth him though I know I didn't... But I've birthed unrestricted love for him in my heart that I've never felt before. Though trying at times... all the time... Motherhood is beautiful.

It's not hard to love so much when you get that love in return. No matter what we've been through or go through me and my man are meant to be. I love him when he makes me mad, I love him when he irritates me, I love him when we disagree, I love him when he makes me smile, I love him when he embraces me, I love him when he loves me. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. The thing I love most is that we are growing together and I know that that alone continues to let our love grow.

I am missing my friends from college. Whoever said that college friends are friends for a lifetime was soooo right. I went back for the first time in almost 2 years and I didn't realize how much I missed them until it was time to leave. If I could put Salisbury and Wilmington together I would be happy.

I'm enjoying finally having a (somewhat) fulfilling career. Not just a job. In 8 months time I've moved up to working M-F 8-5 vs Thurs-Mon 11-7. Now I'll be interviewing for another position with in the company. God is good.

I just wanted to let you all know where I am right now... there is more to come. But I just wanted to get my mojo going so I can this thing started again!

i'm back...

2010-11-28T21:20:00.000-08:00

i must say i had to take sometime and find me. me and aviqon lost touch for a while. i've been through a lot in the past 6+ months and somewhere in the process i lost myself. it was something going on internally and it was showing on the outside which left my friends and family to wonder.

you ever notice when your in a situation that may not necessarily be good for you, you feel like those who are truly concerned for you are against you? well that was me...

i've been thinking about it for a while and i didn't really realize it until i wrote a piece about what a relationship that one of my close friends (that shall remain nameless) was in and now i find myself in every word of that piece 2 years later.

there is nothing new under the sun... we all have subjected ourselves in some form. i suffer from what i like to call "superwoman syndrome." i want to save the world. i will give all of myself and then when i need me... there is none of me left. so i guess this is my declaration that i'm putting God first and me second. i've got to do me.

i missed me. i miss all the things about me that make me... me. now i'm not saying i wasn't being myself. i was more of a watered down, depressed version of myself. i was me in black and white... before cable and hd tv. yeah... you ever noticed how beautiful disney movies are when they're re-mastered and put on dvd? well that's what God was (and still is) doing to me. he's taken me through a storm to re-master me and make me more beautiful than ever before and it's all him and none of myself.

have you ever been so low that you become complacent with where you are? even when you know you are operating below your standards? complacency is a disease and if you let it... it can become terminal and kill your spirit. no matter what your going through don't become complacent... keep striving even if you feel what your striving for isn't tangible because it's there.

i know some of you are wondering... "well, what was going on?" that's neither here nor there. just know that God won't let you stay down for long... but you have to listen for his voice and look for him. he will show you things... whether you want to take heed or not. take it from me and heed to His word! you'll see caution signs everywhere! lol...

ahh... i'm back! i feel good about me again... all of me! i'm back in love with me! no one deserves your love and affection more than yourself! call it conceited or whatever you will just make sure you call me beautiful! God's love radiates through the beauty he blessed me with... don't believe me just look and see...

well folks... that's all for now! gotta go to WORK! yeah... something i didn't do for five months and God has blessed me with the type of job i've always wanted! i have a career...

drain the pain...

2010-10-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

have you ever hurt so bad
that you cry almost everyday?
trying to drain the pain.
my baby is gone...
my boyfriend is away...
now i'm all alone.
it's so hard out here with no one to lean on.
no one to hug me when i'm sad...
no one to share a laugh...
there are lots of people around but none of them are you.
i try to smile...
then something happens and places a frown.
all i have is the ring of the phone...
hoping its you...
or hoping its a job.
i want to believe that Gods got me...
but my faith is holding on by a string.
i need things to be fixed...
i need things to be better than they were before.
when will i stop crying...
i don't want to hurt anymore.
crying and crying...
every tear represents something i'm feeling.
all the weight that is on my back.
everyday something new...
i can't keep track.
the pain i feel i can't describe...
i hope my tears will drain it out
until God decides to let me out.

avie'sBoy... 3/2/2010

2010-07-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

how i love you...
though i didn't birth you...
i care for you as if you came out of my womb.
when your here it fills me with joy...
whether your throwing up, running around,
or playing in the tub with your toys.
you and daddy complete me.
every day you teach me how to love you.
every expression you make lets me know if i'm doing it right.
especially when you reach for me and hold me tight.
with every bottle i make...
and every diaper i change...
i do it all with so much love.
i pray i'm around to watch you grow.
i can't wait to see you jammin' at daddy's first show.
to see you learn to play the drums...
score a touchdown and your first free throw.
to see you go from braids to a fade...
and go with your uncle to skate...
to see you dig into your first cake.
even though i may not always be able to be there...
just know you'll always be avie's boy.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

different you...

2010-07-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

been through enough of them...
can't say a lot of them...
but none of them like you.
we are like music...
different background...
different situations...
but our hearts speak the same language.
our love like music is universal...
cause there's no part of my heart you haven't touched.
i've never had a love so mutually...
supportive, understanding, and true.
no more than the other although we try...
our love, like children grow up together...
and bloom in our eyes.
your so different...
but so true.
no one has ever loved me the way that you do.
i love my different you.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

360° and the some...

2010-07-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

Gosh... I feel like I am in the same place I was in this time last year. So I'm praying that in August I will get a job just like I did a year ago. Man... If I knew this shit was gonna happen to me I would have never left my job that I had. But right is right and wrong is wrong. Now I'm just trying learn how to cope.

Not only am I learning how to cope with the loss of my financial independence. I'm trying to learn how to deal with the loss of my unborn child. Yes... some people say, "It was just a miscarriage, you'll have another one. It's not like the baby was born." But until you've gone through that, you'll never know the pain I experienced.

So what's next... I don't know. Go back to school maybe? I know one thing I need a job asap! I mean my boyfriend takes care of it all, but I'm used to working. This at home thing isn't working for me. I don't see how some people do it.

I can't say that my faith isn't wavering... but like a tree I'm fighting to stay grounded. It's like one thing after the other... things happening back to back. I could easily go back to living with family but for what? I moved out to be independent and to handle my own... so when things get rough I'm not gonna run. God's gonna see me through it and I hope that he can forgive me for my moments of doubt. I'm still learning how to give it all over to him.

I mean how would you feel if you had a degree that you look at everyday and you have nothing to show for it (according to your standards)? It hurts to feel all your hard work is just sitting pretty on your mantle (or in my case my picture stand). I'm still proud of it... I just wish I could exercise its true value. You have it all figured out until after you cross that stage and it doesn't work out that way. But in the back of my mind I feel that I will come out on top and that this experience will make me appreciate my success.

untitled... it just speaks.

2010-07-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

what do you do when the shoulders of which you once stood
have now... collapsed?
what do you do when you are bursting to express yourself...
but feel as if your words have lost their essence?
what do you do when you have the love of your life...
but then when you and he combine to make one that is both of you...
that one falls into eternal slumber from right under you?
what do you do when your happy and sad at the same time?
you've been taught to seek their approval...
when in all actuality that approval doesn't mean shit.
but that's all you know do.
i'm starting something new...
because i need to take my sanity back from you.
i'm stressed...
i'm crying...
i'm stretched...
i've sought to find my joy...
but what brings me joy doesn't fit your definition...
you make me pay for it.
your words sting...
your stares burn a whole in my heart...
if it's hurting you so bad then leave me alone and let me be.
i'm tired of it.
what you took from her...
will not be taken from me.
this is a vicious cycle that will never be broken...
but i will be the speed bump...
cause this life on display for me just wont be.
independence is the best policy.
starting new love,
new traditions,
new support,
new care,
new vocabulary,
new actions,
for me and my family.
its funny how things turn when things get tight.
i once had your support...
but now its not alright.
how can the team conquer the fight,
with bipolar cheerleaders on sight?
but slowly i'm learning to cheer myself on...
cause my life whether it's to your liking...
has to go on.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Be Alright (Dedication)... J. White featuring Aviqon (Foreign Exchange)

2010-06-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ok ya'll... it's been a minute. But I think I'm back. If not I'm going to force my pen to write because writing gives me clarity as well as sanity. But this blog is more of a vocal blog. It's my first song that I sang with my boyfriend J.White. It's entitled
"Be Alright" (Dedication) (Sample: The Foreign Exchange- Be Alright) its in memory of our child we lost due to miscarriage and his brother. If you've already commented on my facebook THANK YOU! Check it out and please give me some feedback! Love you!

The greatest pain...

2010-06-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have experienced the greatest pain I could ever feel in my life. The questions of "Why?" and "How?" cloud my mind. What could I have done so wrong to ever deserve such pain? But it's not about me... God knows best. But I can't say that even with my ferverent belief in the Lord that this statement brought me much comfort or peace. All I knew is a piece of me is gone and I don't know how or why. Something created in so much love has floated away at the drop of blood.

Things that I said in anger I never ever meant. Stress of life's burdens weighing on my shoulders and on your little body. I did my best to be a good mommy even before you were here because I loved you more than life itself. But I'd rather you safe in the arms of the Lord and in the company of your family of angels in heaven then to suffer here on earth with something beyond your control.

I now know what it feels like to have your heart ripped right out of your chest... feeling like your living with no life left. I'm slowly coming back to life... slowly smiling here and there, accompanied by a laugh or two. But in my heart I'm sorrowfully singing:

"Twinkle Twinkle little star... How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high... Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle Twinkle little star... How I wonder what you are."

Mommy and Daddy Love you soo much... Until we meet again!

"Sweet little flower of Heavenly birth, you were too fair to bloom on Earth"

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

song of the blog: "esp" by georgia anne muldrow

Bittersweet Honesty...

2010-06-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

Why does this love thing have to be so hard? Why can't you just be honest and your honesty not hurt? God has commanded us to be honest so why does it have to hurt when we are?

I've always been a person in relationships I always want to be honest with my partner and look for the same in my partner. But when you bring up the past do you ever wonder if your getting the raw truth? People are very sensitive about their past... I know I am. When it comes to past relationships... I think that's as sensitive as it gets.

1. Because you want to still see your partner as pure as you saw them when you first met.

2. Everyone has that little thorn in their stem called jealousy. You don't want to think of your boy/girlfriend loving anyone else more than they love you.

3. Some stuff you just don't want to hear... and some stuff you don't want to tell.

But... I try to be absolutely honest because I have nothing to hide. I think me and my boyfriend have been pretty honest with each other, even though it can still be a touchy subject.

So what do you think? When your in a serious relationship do you tell the truth or do you skim it? Give the name brand or the generic version of the truth?

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

uhhh... the reason for my stress!

2010-06-04T18:11:00.001-07:00

http://www.wect.com/Global/story.asp?S=12597805

IM NOT GETTING PAID!!!! THE YAHWEH CENTER DOESN'T PAY!!!!

CASTLE HAYNE, NC (WECT) - The Yahweh Center Children's Village in New Hanover County is a picturesque place where kids who are hurting go to heal. But beyond the white picket fences, there are signs of financial trouble.

Monica Carter has worked at the Yahweh Center for two months and says she has yet to receive a single paycheck. The check she should have received Friday didn't make it into her hands. Instead, she found a memo from Carla Roberts, the founder and executive director of the Yahweh Center, explaining that employees would be paid four days late.

"I have bills," said Carter. "I have kids, and I can't wait for Wednesday to get here and then they're like, 'No, I don't have anything for you.'"

While Carter is the first to speak out publicly, she's the fifth Yahweh employee to tell WECT about ongoing payroll problems, and much more. We sat down with Carla Roberts to get her side of the story.

"I'm in it up to my ears," said Roberts, saying that she is suffering just as much as her employees.

Roberts says there's just not enough money to go around, and blames many of the issues on the state.

"They've skipped. They've shorted us," she said.

She also claims they went three weeks without sending her any Medicaid reimbursement. However, when we checked with the state, we were told that is simply false. In fact, the Department of Health and Human Services said Roberts has received more than $500,000 so far this year; that's about one fourth of her total operating budget of $2.2 million.

"Sounds like mismanagement to me," said Carter.

She and other employees say the management problems go beyond money, to something much more important -- the care of the children.

They also say one of the most difficult parts of the situation is that not only God's name, but God's word are both inextricably connected with The Yahweh Center. It's just a matter of how that word is being used. Some say it's strictly to help the children. Others say it's turned into a method of manipulation. They claim Roberts uses their Christian faith to convince them it's ok if they get paid weeks behind schedule, because God will provide.

"Manipulation, people can call it what they want. I'm telling them the truth," said Roberts, saying the organization is transparent and open with its employees, and above all, centered around Christ.

"You need to know there's great sacrifice going on here, and there are programs all over North Carolina shutting down."

It's clear that no one wants the Yahweh Center to close its gates next, but Carter and a growing list of others do want some answers, and above all, they want what's best for the kids who call Yahweh home.

Courtesy of WECT TV 6, Wilmington, NC

family tree...

2010-05-13T19:12:00.000-07:00

what is that i've done...
that you have done i can't see...
cause you know they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
so tell me auntie...
what are your leaves covering?
yes this is the way mommy did it...
and now it's my turn.
no this wasn't exactly my plan...
but the leaves grow where they may...
and a new little branch is sprouting out my limb.
so let the rain fall...
let it grow in peace...
and if you can't bear the fruit...
fall off the tree and go your way...
cause no matter how you see it... this is God's way.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...
and if you haven't clicked that follow button on
the right side above my loyal community, please do
and join the Land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

a new definition of soulmate...

2010-01-22T10:43:00.001-08:00

a new look on love...
a new look on people...
a new look on music...
a new look on relationships...
a new look on family...
a new look on life...
a new look on me...

that's what he's given me.
i honestly know what it's like to have a religious love for someone...
this love is spiritual and will last a lifetime.
two opposites that share one heart... you are my soulmate.

it's crazy to me because i never thought it would be you.
but you came, saw, and conquered...
i'm holding on to you...
and your holding on to me...
both holding on for dear life.

two opposites... one heart... the new definition of my soulmate...

<3 freelancefloetic...

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...
and if you haven't clicked that follow button on
the right side above my loyal community, please do
and join the Land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

my decree to mother...

2010-01-22T10:32:00.000-08:00

i'm trying hard not to grow attached...
backing off so i won't become a part...
but how can someone so cute, small, innocent, and pure not steal my heart?
i don't want to be his mother...
i just can't help that i love him.
sorry baby mama...
i can't turn away...
i'm in love with his daddy so i'm going to stay.
i've been considerate and tacit...
but you'll just have to face it.
to fight you that's just basic...
i'm pretty...
i'm a queen...
such a lady as you've heard or seen...
to get my hands dirty on someone who is beneath me is so demeaning.
you want baby daddy...
sorry lady, in your dreams.
my relationship with your son will never be done...
& this war you've created will never be won.
so grow up and become someone...
& maybe then you might can raise your son.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...
and if you haven't clicked that follow button on
the right side above my loyal community, please do
and join the Land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

@ a lost...

2009-12-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

i'm trying to hold back this feeling
but it's taking control of me
there is so much i feel
so much i could say
i never thought that you could ever make me feel this way... about you

it took 4 months and now i'm everyday "booed" up with you...
a month ago i wouldn't even talk to you...
but now i can't get enough of you...
i don't know how?
you stole my heart and everything else followed.

i think this is it...
i think you've taken the cake...
i think the princess has found her prince...
just not in the usual armor.

i can't find the words...
you've stolen every verb...

ASG_ _ _ _ _JLW...
you fill in the words?

he got me!

2009-12-02T11:26:00.001-08:00

so here we are now... four months later and i have given in. he got me... he didn't steal my eyes... but he stole my heart. this guy is so many cons on my long list of what i want in a man. but he's taking me out of my comfort zone and i see him for who he is and not what i assumed.

ya'll i'm doing something that i haven't before... scared? a little... only because he is the total opposite of the type of men i have dated and i am the opposite of what he has dated. so i'm gonna remain optimistic and try this.

he treats me as if i was the most important thing in the world... and i can't lie it feels good. never had anyone treat me that way before. not to discredit my ex's... but if they felt that way it wasn't openly.

the guy i was "messing" with before him had it all... he was "GQ" just like i like them... mmmhmm. but he didn't want anything out of a relationship... he didn't want one at all for that matter. but he wanted the goods... well they aren't free! ugh... i shouldn't have even entertained him for as long as i did.

well God has forgiven me and shown me favor and now i have my babe and all is well. i don't think its going to be a easy relationship, but i think the ride will be worth it.

Small Change... feat. What is it to you?

2009-11-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

your worth is less than small change...
to cry that to me...
is more than insane and...
your worth is less than small change...
......... small change is defined as someone or something insignificant and/or trifling.

i just gotta let this out...
i'm pretty sure that those of you who are my facebook friends see my statuses that i change on a pretty consistent basis. well lately it has been to people that are the equivalent of small change... or less there of. so if you have been keeping up with what i call the avieBaBie show... i have been sending subliminal messages to the forementioned that i know what's being said and what's going on.

these are people that i grew up with that attend my church. i know... crazy right. but me and the currency forementioned have never liked each other... since birth. deep right? this girl doesn't like me and i'm willing to bet you some money that if asked... this girl cannot tell you why she doesn't like me. but i can definitely tell you why i don't care for her. but that's a horse of a different color.

so.. i am friends with... what shall we call him?... we will just say him. well him likes me (he has been mentioned in one blog...) and small change likes him. now at first i wasn't really feeling him like that. to be honest i was 95% not feeling him at all. but time past and things have changed. so me and him have been spending time together and small change isn't feeling it.

now small change and him are not in any type of relationship. so because she's not getting his attention she uses facebook to vent her feelings about him... me... and everyone else she doesn't have the balls to say anything to.

this girl is damn psycho... she is obsessed with him and what me and him have going on. she asks him all these questions about us... and are we together... every day!

i just want to know... what business is it of yours?! you act as if me and you have been friends and i took something that was rightfully yours. girl bye! what is it to you that we are friends... you mad cause your not the bff anymore? lol

granted i might be wrong for responding subliminally to her desperate cries for attention. but if i have an audience... after awhile i'm going to give you a show.

more coming soon... unlike small change... i have a job to go to!

2009-11-21T14:05:00.000-08:00

so... i haven't wrote anything in a minute. you know i hate to let down the few and loyal citizens of the land of complex serenity... but... there's been nothing to write about. i have no muse.... no motivation. my life has been as blank as a wall in a psychiatric ward lately.

i am ultimately bored. comfortable... but bored. i have a ok job... it's good considering the circumstances. it's a blessing. things are good as far as my spiritual life. God is truly using the gifts he gave me and the music ministry is under reconstruction at my church and i'm proud of the work we're doing. so in the aspect of my life i stay busy.

i don't do much with the friends i have here... hell, we all work! it's crazy. and the love life... what love life? ugh... it's horrible. i'm still messing with my "constellation" but it's not going anywhere. not that i can see. it's not idle... it's more in neutral gear. there is another guy that's interested... but am i... hell no! but he's a cool dude. the more i talk to him the more i like him as a friend. sometimes i get it confused as more but then he always does or says something ignorant and/or premature and i quickly come to. he's definitely not a canidate.

i need a date!!! a real date... with someone who compliments me and i him. a degree, a 401k, insurance... a life. some ambition. some go getta! but here i swim in this lake of dismal fate that i will ever get a date (lol! that was good! the pen ain't too dry!;))!

the prototype that i have mentioned in previous blog... turned out to be the desperate carbon copy of my imagination. the guy is desperate and a hot mess. (i'm glad i didn't give him none... yes!) i can't wait to see him so i can give him the fan, ent. stare like nigga please. ugh... guys like him make me sick! you can't have your cake and eat it too... literally. he has been a grave dissappointment in more than one way.

well until the KING of Kings since a Prince for his Princess... I'll just have to sit here and wait.

ahh... rain!

2009-11-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

in the rain...
he kissed me...
a real kiss...
not a provoked one...
he wanted to...
and he did...
in the rain!

lol... it's corny but i just wanted to share my joy with you!

i got... you...

2009-10-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

loving you ain't nothing healthy...
but i can't let go of this bad habit...
called... you.
the sent of you gets me high...
you's touch makes me feel like silk...
...and the taste of you is intoxicating.
you is incurable... or at least it feels that way.
every time i think i'm fixed...
i'm right back at it again...
as you drill every inch of you into my spirit...
...and with every thrust you make me a believer again.
becum to believe that this you is ok.
you is full of intellect, charm, wit, and sharp candor.
...and with every encounter you melts my defenses.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...

and if you haven't clicked that follow button on

the right side above my loyal community, please do

and join the Land of Complex Serenity.

Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

a conversation...

2009-09-28T18:01:00.000-07:00

as i lay here in my bed...
all i can think about is you...
how it feels to be under your lovelust embrace.
here i lay on my back... starring at the ceiling...
looking at my ceiling fan as if it is the moon...
that is accompanied by you...
my constellation... my personal arrangement of stars.
your smile makes my heart flutter...
your laugh brings joy to my soul...
...and your conversation entices me.
sadly this feeling is only temporary...
for with you i have to live in the moment...
...and only for the moment...
cause at any moment... you... could keep it movin'.
we are so close... but yet so far...
this thing is growing...
into what?
...is what my heart is in search of knowing.
your eyes say everything...
but my heart needs your words for validation.
maybe our hearts should have a conversation...
and come to an agreement...
with no interruption from our minds.
love and logic is lies...
...so let our hearts do the talking.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...

and if you haven't clicked that follow button on

the right side above my loyal community, please do

and join the Land of Complex Serenity.

Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

a moment of vulnerability...

2009-09-04T15:38:00.000-07:00

ok members of the land of "complex serenity" and friends... allow me to be an open book today. i feel the need to be vulnerable and express how i am feeling.

for those of you who aren't in to the floacist.. marsha ambrosious' mixtape... track #10 some type of way... please get into her cause that song describes my emotions right now. now i'm not freakin' out crying or anything but i just feel some type of way.

i went against my word... i wanted to make him work for it... the feeling hit me and i initiated the call. it was good... it's always good... but it's only temporary and now i am feeling the error of my ways.

ugh... why did i do it? i really liked him. i wanted more out of this... i should have kept my "piece." when the feeling hits you... it hits you... lord work with me... i'm still learning how to die to my flesh... and sex is definitely a weakness.

i am delivered... or at least i am claming my deliverance... therefore i confess my sins publicly.

i gotta stay away from what i will call "chocolate milk"... it truly makes my knees buckle.
but i think he has made the decision for me since i haven't heard from him.

i must admit he had me blindsided cause he came rapped in the total package... but no matter how he's delivered... a nigga is a nigga.

but i can't blame him for how i feel... it was a concious decision that i made... i must deal with my decisions accordingly... but along with that comes conviction and that never feels good.

you live... you learn... then you hold your "piece."

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.

Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

stuck up... ok! (randomness)

2009-08-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

i have a standard... i can't deviate from that... as much as i want to sometime. call me stuck up... it will benefit me in the long run. i'm "wifey material" and i will never give that status up for no man. i want long term... something that will become permanent... not a short term relationship or a temporary fix (no matter how good they feel). i'm me.

i felt like someones piece today... i don't like how that feels and it was a reminder of why i hold the standards that i do. as much as i like you... i can't let them go. and i don't think having a sexual relationship is going to make you want me the way i think i want you. so... hmm. i want to be a wife... i want to be a mother. i want a man... someone who wants to love me flaws and all, grow in God. that's what i want.

now i'm not perfect... i fall to the power of the penis sometimes... but it's not often and i continue to work on my control because i get weak from time to time. what to do... what to do? i can't win for loosing.

guys what do you want? you want a wife or a hoe? a girlfriend or a fuckbuddie? which one is more appealing? it seems like the hoes always stay on top!!! i'm so fustrated!

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

mystically eccentric...

2009-08-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

copulation under the stars...
no osculation... kept my mind racing.
never have i ever copulated under such circumstance.
but change is awkward... but good.
remotely cognated under the earths mystical blanket...
creating ocean waves that are as natural as the beach itself.
totally... or kind of platonic.
this constellation is of a interrogative complexity...
it can be overwhelming... but it something about it's rarity that makes it not bother me.
it's perplexing how the earth turns...
cause six years ago... i never would imagine exploring this arrangement of stars.
the truth that lies within it's structure is noble...
and with each truth... it makes me want to explore more.
but with that urge i will suppress my inquistiveness...
and wait for the constellation to unveil itself.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...

and if you haven't clicked that follow button on

the right side above my loyal community, please do

and join the Land of Complex Serenity.

Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

definition of alone...

2009-08-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

alone:
5'4" brown eyes, short black & brown hair...
beautiful, full size 18 queen with a bsw degree from lc.
employed full time with no kids...
fresh out of the womb of education...
birthed into the world of her own.
musically inclined... lover of God...
non-judgmental and justly open minded.
a lady in the streets... ...well you know the rest.
classy and sassy... full and fabulous... preppy... flip flop fashionista.
social butterfly waiting for take off...
looking for a partner to fly side by side.
alone: the definition is me...

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

times a wastin'?

2009-08-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

did i waste my time? ...or did i do the right thing by trusting love, having faith in the one i love, and fighting against the odds? oh... it all feels "blah" right now cause... i'm alone. now i truly believe that there's a difference between alone and lonely. i'm not going to lie... sometimes i'm lonely. but i can't ponder on it because what will be will be. i just wish sometimes it was with a significant other.

now i know my blogs are all about loving someone or my chronicles of hopeless attempts at love. but that's not all that consumes me... it's just something that I have to vent about.

how do you give up fully... when your heart won't let you?

i don't know why i'm holding on... i love him like i have loved no other. but now i feel like maybe our destiny is just friendship... friendship?

now don't get me wrong... i have no regrets. i just wish i would have gotten my happily ever after.

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Blessings from different directions...

2009-08-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

You ever think that you have your plan set in motion.... and even though the way may seem blurry, you have faith that you will make it. Then God throws (what I would like to call) a "divine monkey wrench" in your plans.

So, I was supposed to move in with some friends this weekend back in Salisbury... but then God sent a blessing my way. I got a job opportunity, back home in Wilmington, NC. Now I know that this is the place I always said that I never wanted to end up... but lately (prior to this opportunity) I have had a different perspective on that whole situation.

So... the thought of living in Wilmington is not bad anymore. I can handle it... and it's better than once perceived. Wilmington always represented failure to me. The notion was that if I moved back to Wilmington, after graduating from college= failure. But I see different now... failure depends on the person and their efforts towards their success. So, I know that now matter where I am... I will be successful.

All of my family is very excited at the possibility of me moving back home... I guess I am too. I'm not sad or disappointed... that's for sure.

I thank God for the friends that I have in my life. My Domi... she's the best. She is a true friend. She completely understands my situation... and wished me the best. She was a little upset at first... who could blame her? But she understands, you can't just let a potentially fantastic opportunity pass you by. Thanks girl!

Well... stay tuned you guys. I will keep you updated!

~Thanks for reading...and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

my addiction...

2009-08-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

addicted to you...
out of sight... out of mind... only works for so long.
your my hearts addiction...
like a crackhead to a rock...
i'll give you everything i got.
6 weeks clean, now i'm back at this thing...
been on my mind since i touched stream.
your smile is the strap i tie around my arm...
the melody of your heartbeat is the thump of my finger as i search for a vein...
thoughts of you serve as my conscious as i prepare to inject you into my bloodstream.
the feel of your touch, the taste of your kiss, and the aftershock of your love making is the poison that i inject and give permission to attack my body.
how do i beat this addiction?
it makes me feel like i can fly...
sometimes it makes me feel like i could sink to the bottom of the sea.
but i love it fiercely...
like lauren... "when it hurts so bad, why'ds it feel soo good?"

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

randomness...(growingup)

2009-07-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

so i am about to embark on my second transition as an adult...
i know this is going to work out because God's got my back. it's hard not to have reservations about this independent and exciting realness because this is my first time. i don't want to reveal what it is until it's official... so be looking for pictures in 2 weeks or less.

this week has been a hard week already... it's just hump day. but that's a good thing, because that means that a new week is on the horizon. i'm excited.
the job is still moving slow, but it's coming a long. i'm still getting paid... so all is well. i am itching to get to the "nittygritty though... i know your like "who actually want's to work?" ..but i love what i do.

i want to say that i thank God for my family... for their love and support. i think that i am finally being accepted as an adult and that they are ready to let me live off of what they have instilled in me. that feels so awesome! ...even granny! it means a lot to me that my family believes in me... and as the fear subsides... i feel the urge to fly!

ok....

so the "swain" is back from his voyage. i'm not sure how i feel yet? i almost pissed on myself when he said he missed me... hmm? i missed him too... i'm definitely happy that he made it home safely and i am extremely proud of what he has accomplished and the proof is aparent in his melodious sound.
it's funny... somethings never change and some old habits never die. i talk to him on the phone last night... he was throwing shade at me about music. lol... i think i'm getting good at finding music! i got georgia anne muldrow... umsindo (thanks blaklair! ;)) last night! too excited... anyway... it was cool... then the bliss ended quick... i lost his attention. same story... same scenario. calling other people and everything... but hey, that's him :l

i guess i said that to say that it doesn't bother me as much as it used to... but it's still a pet peeve! am i loosing it for him? probably temporarily... because that never lasts long.

where i am now in my life is a quest for some type of stability... in every facet. i want a solid relationship with the chance to grow into a marriage. someone who will be considerate of my feelings... and i of his. a man who will believe in me and support my goals and aspirations... not just deluge himself in the fact that i support his and not consider that i have them too. ...and of course a man who loves the things that i do. someone who is open minded to what he doesn't understand and willing to learn from me as well as i from him. well... that's my wishlist...

until later...

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

The Bestest Birthday Ever...

2009-07-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

This birthday was absolutely everything!!! I had a great time in my beloved Salisbury with the greatest friends in the world (except my friends that are in Wilmington... :)miss you!)! I won't go day for day... or detail for detail cause I feel like I've said it 1,000 times over, but... I haven't had this much fun or been this excited in a long time.

... i just had to show you how fabulous I looked...

All I have to say is "Back they didn't want me... Now I'm hot they all on me!" Lol... I truly believe that when someone is out of sight, they are out of mind... until you see them again!

So for one... I pulled out an old coloring book and started coloring this weekend. Lol... it was fun, great, and sporadic! Not to mention that this coloring book is becoming more appealing now a days... it's still not all in the lines though. I said that I wouldn't color in this certain coloring book anymore ... but this night... I used every crayon in the box!

Now this next situation... I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it. It's this certain vintage mister that is feeling me. Now your probably thinking how vintage... let's say 20 years my senior. Hmm... what to do with that? Nothing more to say about this one... you know you will know if something becomes of this. But it probably won't because...

...He's back! We will refer to him as "the type"... cause he's what I want to have as a husband. There are some areas the type could work on but aside from that he's got it. He is the first man I have came in contact (for lack of a better word) with that I could see replacing the irreplaceable. We have been in contact for a couple of months now, but I ended up having to back up because he had more interest else where with a vintage madam. Well her aging beauty became too much to handle as we had first discovered from the beginning and now she's up for auctioning. See being a woman... secure in who an what you are... you can let em' go and if they come back then that's who you know. So, from me and the type's conversation... we might give this thing one more try. Stay tuned...

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

My dreams in black and white...

2009-07-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

...the block that raised me... a community that embraced me... that my family uplifted through service to it's community... civically and spiritually. her name was alice... his name was james... we are the spicers... and i am the 1st greatgrand... i have the greatest responsibility.

... so lately my greatgrandma has been visiting me in my dreams... what is she trying to tell me?

...this is the house that i grew up in until i was 15 years old. this house has nurtured 3 generations ...

i think that i am still having a hard time with the fact that my family no longer owns this home. i know that it's just a house and that it is the people in it who make it a home... but it's my family's history. my grandma and her brothers, sisters, cousins... grew up in this house. my mother, her brother & sister, cousins... nurtured here. me, my mother, & my sister... lived here... grew up here! my memories are endless. but no one will ever understand because i was the only one that was there until the end. i saw it all and i know the story.

this house is my dream... i've been dreaming since it was stolen... from the hands it nurtured... and the soul of it was sold for something that was tangibly intangible.
this house is my dream... and one day my dream will come true...

this block... those trees in front of my dream... they tell the story of my family and my childhood...

she is telling me ...i'm the 1st greatgrand... i have the greatest responsibility... i have to get the dream back.

it may seem simple to you... but it's everything to me!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Questions Pt II! Re: Just Girl Talk...about what else... MEN!

2009-07-07T18:26:00.000-07:00

She is Beautifully Human said:

Interesting indeed. The relationship I speak about in my blog is a past tense, but this post reflects much of what was happening and in some part how we got to the end. But, here's an a twist-I never had a title. It just "was". Nothing was ever established which I think was part of the problem. But love flowed. The obvious downside of no title, is well, no title, which is the complete absence of anything. So, all in all, I didn't really know how to act. Sometimes I was really removed and wanted to do my own thing, other times I was the "homey-lover-friend", then I felt like the wife-always supported his dreams, etc., etc. Always introduced as "my friend" but expected to do the my girlfriend/my lady/my woman thing. In the end of course, I was in the wrong(so says him). I say, and my mother agrees (and mama reigns supreme ;o)), he should have made an honest woman out of me. Call me old fashioned but I still think men should be responsible for taking things to the next level. What does a woman, who has all her stuff together, look like saying "you wanna be my man"? Nah uh! So, to your point, and I'll stop going on and on, titled or untitled, what are the rules? Are we not being as upfront on this topic of conversation with our significants as we should be? What's with the rampant bitchassness of some men? Why are they not stepping up?

Here it goes She is Beautifully Human:

I know exactly what your feeling hunnie! I know what it's like to "just be" and never establish anything. Your expected to be the homie... the lover... the girlfriend... the wife... all at one time. Just because he can't commit. But there are some women who do this forever until their significant decides they're ready to take it up a notch. But when is enough... enough? I think we are the same woman in 2 different places forreal! That's the same situation with my "swain" (as he is acknowledge on here)... but I think I've gotten to the point where enough is enough. Now... I'm not gonna lie... I'm waiting to see what happens, but it would be unfair to myself to sit idle and not live life and explore my options while waiting! I may miss what is truly meant for me... cause eventhough I may feel like he is it... he may very well not be. It took me a long time to get to that place. I'm almost completely ok with it... :/ But just like you said... the love still flows and that's what makes it hard to let go. You can't deny when love is there... the feeling is overwhelming... but so is being something different everyday based upon how they feel about you that day.

Your right She is Beautifully Human, what do women who have it all together (such as ourselves) look like saying "you wanna be my man?" I think a lot of women share the same anxiety when it comes to the topic of asking the man out... VULNERABILITY! We hate the thought of "coming on too strong... rejection (*points at myself*)... or even what will happen after he says yes. I'm not sure how I feel about that... I've always been an ol' fashioned girl as well, you never ask the man out. But I think that might be where we become a little oxymoroninc or I have been watching too much lifetime. We are women of the 21rst century, right? So we are "go getta's" we get what we want at any cost... so why should love be any different. Just something to think about.

In love there are no rules... love and logic don't mix! We are the one's who make the rules. How can you govern true love with rules? It sounds fairytail...ish but that's just how I feel. People are always saying how love knows no boundaries... rules are boundaries! Think about the things we accept when we are in love... think about the things that don't matter... if we left it up to logic... we would never have love. I think the rules come in when our ego's come into play. Our pride can cause a lot of confusion in love. I would even go so far to say that the 2 in love don't think about the rules until our friends remind us of them. "Nah uh, girl you gonna let him do that?"... "Let him call you!"... "Man you whipped!".... "She got you like that?"... "I wouldn't put up with that." <---------- Shit like this! (ooops... I got mad). Now, I'm not a precious little lamb... but I do try my best not to endulge in this because it has been done to me time and time again. Now, when it comes to stupid stuff... I kind of yield to my inhibitions and say what's on my mind... I have a high tolerance for a lot... but stupid stuff I just don't have time for. No (like you said) "bitchassness!" As far as if we aren't being as upfront as we should be about this topic with our significant... I can't really say. It's depending on the person. I know for me it takes me a minute... like I said I can tolerate a lot and sometimes (i'm not gonna lie) if we are in that blissful state and he is "coloring" right... it's the farthest thing from my mind... cause in my mind we are something we're not and I get side tracked. Sorry... it's the power of the penis. But it really takes a lot because I feel like I will mess up the little bit of happiness we do have and I will loose him. But that's only with "swain"... oh and with "tall dark and stupid", but I finally gave him the axe ... but others, I can tell them to kick rocks fast. I say that to say that there are many factors that contribute to our censoring of our feelings about our "relationships" with our others. Now this rampant "bitchassness" you speak off... eventhough I fall victim sometimes... MEN ONLY DO WHAT WE ALLOW THEM TO! SideNote: I will never say anything or try to give any advice without checking myself first... So that is why you read frequent disclosure throughout my blogs. I just wouldn't be real if I didn't get myself together too! I think that's why the first couple of months are always so good. We study each other for many reasons and seeing what we can get away with is one of them. Once we master this... the cockiness arises. So, some men get to the point when they know we aren't going anywhere and they abuse that loyalty... and we don't do anything to shake things up to let them know that that is not completely true... until we finally leave.

So that's why they aren't stepping it up, for one. Another reason is when we are really into a man or we have invested a lot into our "relationships" we become complacent with whatever he decides because we've put too much into this to just let it go. With that, they feel as if you ain't complaining then they are straight. We don't stick to our standards in order to get what we want. We give in so easily that we don't give them anything to work towards having. I think our views on what we are supposed to do as a significant attribute a lot to men not stepping it up. They're already getting all the advantages of a girlfriend and/or wife. You may live together, cook, clean, and his #1 fan at everything he does. When he needs to come home to comforting arms... there you are. For some of us we are the pages of his diary... we are the one he shares his dreams, his fears, and his loves... we are also the one he lashes out at (some of us). More than likely you have an active "coloring book" (sex life)... so what else is there? In some instances you already have a family.... So why get married or take it to the next level (whatever that may be) when you already have everything?

So, my question is what do we do? What do we do to make him work at or aspire to take it to the next level? Do we close the "coloring book"? Do limit what we do and how we are there for them? What do we do to get what we want?

You challenged me on this one She is Beautifully Human, thanks girl! You made me think!

Hit me up and let me know what you think!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Questions Pt: I! Re: Just Some Girl Talk... about what else... MEN!

2009-07-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

from.... prettygirldelores
via: facebook

I agree with your new blog. I have been working overtime for a situation that has a friend title too. I love it. Keep them coming.I have one question about your thoughts on a topic. what are your thoughts on playing the same role for several years?

ok prettygirldelores this is what i think...

Honestly... I am really on the fence about playing the same role. Like I said in my blog... I have been in a emotional rollercoaster with... we will call him my "swain" for 5 years. The 1st year and 1/2 I chased him. Showing up where he was... showing up at his room unannounced... just finding any and every opportunity to be in his space... anyway I could. Then we went through the whole sneaking around... until it became obvious thing for about 6 months. We finally started dating and we stayed together for 8 months. Since then I have been a number of different things to this man...

... I played so many different roles because I couldn't conceive the thought of letting him go. I put a lot of this on myself because I was willing to accept whatever just to be with him (omg... that is the first time I have admitted that). But during all of this, because I didn't recognize my roll... I played myself and got caught up in some drama that really had nothing to do with me. But because in my mind we were more than what we were I got all bent out of shape and selfish... and made myself the victim to only end up looking stupid.

But I said that to say that we play the same role (in your case)... or many roles for the one we love (I am assuming that you love him... cause I don't think that you would stick it out for three years if you didn't) because the ultimate goal is to win his love completely and to gain the affection and title that we have been dreaming about since this rendezvous began. We also find ourselves in these positions because we have "colored" with this man (If you don't know what "coloring" is... watch sex in the city movie! (thanks komplexty86) it means to have sex)! When we engage in "coloring" with a man... whether it starts out as no strings attached or not... we end up getting in our feelings. ...and if you have feelings for this man it 2x as bad! It's called the power of the penis. Sad but true... it holds a lot of power!

The penis is a powerful tool... but we have power too! Now, I'm definitely trying to learn exactly how to tap into that power. But I know that we can began to take that power back by not settling for whatever we are given. We have to set standards and abide by them (I AM PREACHING TO MYSELF HERE... not just to you). So prettygirldelores, set some standards for yourself and stick to your guns and if your friend can't get with that then tell him... "I throw them... you kick em'... ROCKS! Tell him to kick rocks because you deserve better and you can't continue to settle for less! He's got to get it together or get lost!

I feel like I have rambled on and on but I hope I was of some assistance. If you have any more questions or comments PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING! This was fun and I enjoy interacting with my readers! If anyone else has any input, advice, comments, or more questions for me or prettygirldelores please comment below or hit me up at aviebabie2008@yahoo.com and I will hit you back as soon as possible! Love ya!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Just Some Girl Talk... about what else... MEN!

2009-07-04T21:58:00.000-07:00

As women... why do we settle when it comes to our men? Why do we always have to be the exception of the rule when it comes to them?

This is a question I have found myself asking as I counsel and lend an ear to some of my besties this week... better yet this past month... well really since summer started. I've heard people say that men tend to start acting up when it gets hot... but I think they act how they want to act, when they want to act that way. Now, I'm not putting all men in a box... because not all men act that way (I'm hoping).

I feel like we (women) go through a lot to keep our men happy (some women... the other half are just as bad as niggas... they could careless). I know that I do... I try my best to keep my man happy... that's important to me as his girlfriend. I have a habit of doing everything I can to take care of him, be his #1 fan, make sure I did all I can to help him reach his full potential... you know... be "down" for him. But that's where some of us take it too far... we are girlfriends... NOT WIVES!

I am the number one culprit of this! So, I am preaching to the choir director. But I've experienced a lot in the past year and 1/2... and I feel like if we play the role of what we are "the girlfriend" and set limits... then we give our "boyfriends" something to look forward to... something to work towards. I think that the relationship can have something to build on that will lead up to a possible marriage.

Now, if your anything like me... you are not trying to warm the jackpot just for the next chick to win the prize! Some of us put a lot of effort into our relationships only to set the next girl up... it's not fair... but sometimes it's like that. But personally I have put 5 years into my emotional rollercoaster with my swain and I'm not doing that so someone else can reap the benefits... it's been blood, sweat, and tears... and they weren't shed only for me to end up with him... but that it will make him a better man... as a person and relationship wise. Now in this emotional rollercoaster... I have played the wife... and I still don't know how I feel about that. But I have been doing this so long that it comes so naturally... hmm... (ok... i went to a place. *sigh*... i'm back now).

I think the main reason we do the things we do because we seek assurance. We have to know... verbally, physically, and mentally... who and what we are to our man. But I wish for one day I could be a man. I want to see how they deal with their position in regards to us, cause they seem to handle everything so well... unless it just really gets under their skin. (ok... i'm about to get a little vulgar)... I want to be able to truly fuck with out reservation or feelings. To get up and walk away from the situation like I just had an intense work out and now I'm about to go home and take a shower and watch the game. Just to see how it feels to be emotionally unattached!

... to be able to ignore him when I feel like it. To be able to get all of his attention when I want it and when I'm done I can go off about my business and not think twice about it. TO BE ABLE TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TO.. WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE! That's how they do us! ... and if I'm being to harsh or over exaggerating let me know, please!

So, I think we should act according to our titles... or lack there of! If your talking... just talk (remember... your just talking... keep back up! he could change his mind at any minute)! If your the cuttie buddie... then just "ride the dick" (lol... fan, ent!). If your the beau (boo)... then just be the beau (which means your not obligated to anything... there is no commitment)! If your the girlfriend... be the girlfriend (you don't have to do what a wife does... and everytime you feel like you should... check the 4th finger left hand)!

I don't know about you.. but I'm tired of working overtime and not getting paid for it. I might bite my words later... but I'm sticking to my job description (my title) until otherwise notified. All this "you know what you are"... "I know it's more... he just hasn't said it"... I'm tired of these subliminal titles! Lol...

Me personally... I am just a friend from what I have been told... so it's time for me to step back and play my role until otherwise notified!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Go Green...

2009-07-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

sitting in my room...
looking @ the wind blow from my window
look at the trees...
you ever notice how they sway?
they move to whatever God's rhythm is that day.
they recognize that it's his will...
and none of their own.
the way the limbs submit to his will is amazing!
their submissiveness is involuntary...
and i want to be just like the trees.
with my roots soaking up all knowledge of his glory...
my trunk standing firm in my faith... strong and never wavering!
my crown focused on him...
and my leaves... representing my life... you can look at me and tell that he lives in me.
just like the branches... going with God's flow.
no questions asked...
i guess that would make things easier...
i got a message in the wind...
submit to his will and submit to his way.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

CagedBird... 6/15/2009

2009-07-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

You ever been set free?
... But opted to stay captive.
The cage has open to let you fly free...
But the cage you have been confined to is your home.
I feel that "home" is where I belong.
You've open the door to let me fly free...
I flew out...
... But I always fly back in.
I've explored other places but nothing compares to home.
I almost moved in somewhere else...
... But everywhere else requires a pre-term lease.
But at home is where I'm free.
I'm just me.
No lip gloss, no new doo, no research required.
I can kick my shoes off, wrap my hair, and put on my cami and spanky shorts...
Your house or my house...
Home is where you are and that's where I belong.
Nowhere else suits me or compliments me as well.
So I will leave the cage door open while I'm waiting for you to comeback and make it home once again.
But while I'm waiting I will fly out from time to time, but I will always fly back in...

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

istill feel some type of way...

2009-06-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

so another conversation that i had with some comrades was deep and left me feeling some type of way... it was good.. but it took me to a place that i had not visited in a minute.

i always say that when you enter a relationship you have to be ready for whatever comes with that person. if you really love them you will hang in there with them (in most circumstances... no like someone who is going to harm you or something)...

so in the conversation somethings were shared and basically my situation came up... but it was in reference to someone else. i can't begin to tell you the since of relief that i felt when i heard this persons story! but... their story didn't turn out like mine... the person left them.

i feel like if you really love someone... the biggest things seem so minimal. i believe a lot can be conquered with love. but this story made me feel like... i'm glad i stuck it out... but i could have handled a lot of things differently and with more strength than i did.

in my eyes... we have never ended... we are still attached to each other... at least in my eyes. but i know things could be better if i would have kept the strength and tenacity that i had in the beginning. i messed up... i'm just grateful that he still loves me.

situations arised and i did not hold him down like i was supposed to. i was supposed to always be there and i took a hiatus. love does not take a break... when i did this, i have to say this is the worst i have felt in my heart and my spirit in my life! i was torn up! i still kinda beat myself up about it... i just think about the time that was lost. it wasn't a long time... but time is precious and i should have been there for him. there were people who knew me well who played on certain emotions and said things that they knew... no matter how strong my love is for him they were gonna make me crumble. i was a fool to ever fall for it... i should have been on top of things.

this relationship has taught me that jealousy is a weak emotion! and honestly jealousy has hendered me a lot in this relationship. but i've learned... and i've finally grown up! it was certain people and things that i just was not having it with... but this man has the most infectious personality and everyone loves to be around him... that's what makes people fall in love with him.

i was looking for something that i already had... assurance. i guess i was looking for vocal assurance... but now i realize our relationships exsistance alone was enough assurance in itself! now i know together... we were determined.

(wow... i really just had a moment. tears are falling from my face... i thought i was done with the tears... i really miss him.)

i wish i knew then what i have grown to know now... i would have done so much the same yet different. there's is one thing i can't say... is that my love for him won't change. it has changed... i love him more...

no matter who has come and gone... at the end of it all it's been him. i've dated others since him... but it always leads back to him.

maybe God is doing something that i can't see... maybe this is why we aren't "together." i trust God so it is whatever... i just wish i could subject my heart and my emotions to deal. i had it together until last night and then all these emotions began to resurface and i was not ready! i send my faith and peace to this situation... (thanks pastor williams)!

ok... i'm good. peace.
remember... you can never have peace if you don't progress.

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Look Up... feat. feelingmyself

2009-06-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll... I just want to start of by saying... I am feeling myself today! Contrary to popular belief... this isn't an everyday occurrence. I decided to try something new! So, for those who know me... know that I hate doing my hair and I avoid it as much as fiscally possible. Well do to the current state of my wallet and bank account... I am forced to do it myself. So this morning I had to wash it... but I so didn't want to pull out the irons! So... I decided to embrace the 1/3 of me that is indian (buckhead indian... rieglwood, nc) and do the wet and wavy.

Here it is.......and the more it dried... the more beautiful it became. Ok... that's enough... I get like that at times. :) (i had to do it... today was a feel good day!)

So... today I heard from my swain today and we were talking about how God has made a way, when there seems like there isn't one. We are the same yet so different... I try to check the "10 year" forcast of my life... while he on the other hand worries about himself fiscally.

So I sent him some scriputure from Matthew 6: 25-34 that talks about not worrying. If you have time and this is a struggle for you get into this scripture. It will bring things to light for you and if your anything like me... BOOKMARK IT you will need a refresher... especially when drop dead broke!

I just want to say is... that look up to the most high when things look dim, slim, and trim! Your bank account may be looking really bare, but know that God's bank account runneth over and he's got your back! Someone significant in your life maybe acting up... know that God's got it all in control!

But my favorite is (my personal testimony... some may share this): WHEN RIGHT SEEMS TO GET YOU NOWHERE... AND WRONG SEEMS TO GET THOSE WHO ENDULGE IN IT ANY AND EVERYTHING THEY WANT AND NEED! THEY SEEM TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER AND EVERYTHINGS WORKING OUR FOR THEM.... remember that...THE RACE ISN'T GIVEN TO THE SWIFT OR TO THE STRONG BUT TO THOSE WHO ENDURE TO THE END!

I had to learn to stop looking at others situations... you don't know their story. You don't know what happened to get them to where they are. You have to trust in God for yourself and let him bless you according to his will and the path he has predestined for you.

Know that he's there... God never leads you where his grace and mercy can't keep you! He has a plan for everything! We just have to trust him! I am learning more and more to trust him daily... and he reveals that he has it all in control in many different ways... and today he sent it through my swain.

Prayer works! If you don't believe it... I dare you to try!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Untitled... Speechless 2/17/07

2009-06-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

So... this was my first attempt at poetry! I hope that you like it. I was inspired to put this up because of a convo I had with my blogtv fam... and it took me to a place. A special person was my muse for this as well as 50% of my other pieces... but anyway... tell me what you think!

I want to start out with poetry of my own words...
The thought of me actually erecting words to translate to you
precisely what I feel in my heart and from the depths of my soul...
that's hard to do that when it comes to you.

From choirmates.. to best friends... to lovers...
something that I thought was so subliminal from the reality of my life.
Little did I know that God loves me so much
that he gave me the one thing that my heart was longing for...
that one desire is EDF...

At first the slightest thing became the biggest thing
from wanting to be in your company...
Engulfed in your presence was a good love feeling
but it was also a feeling of congestion and suffocation...

Never was that my intention...
but a girl as lucky as I...
always wants her good luck charm around.

To ~~~~~Breathe~~~~~ was all you wanted
no love lost...
Growing in love with the pursuit of happiness with you,
I took the chance to ~~~~~~Breathe~~~~~~
scared that it would inflict our relationship...
for it to become the best sacrifice I ever made...
It made our love grow!

Five months later... life with you is so much greater...
greater than I could ever imagine.
A love soo extraordinary...
a new beauty it has given to me...
that it illuminates from the trenches of my soul.

Missing you teases me, yet it's healthy... (God I miss my Pooh...)
The sound of your ringer titillates me... (He's calling!)
Seeing you makes me grateful to have you... (That's all mine...)
Holding you melts my heart as we harmonize together...

Our conversation is my favorite song...
For music is a language that everyone can understand...
But when it comes to you and I...
Music is our personal language... our communication...
that no one understands but us...

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

God Has a Purpose and a Plan...

2009-06-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

"God has a plan and a purpose for you life." That was one of my former pastors theme for our church. I saw that sign (you remember the banners that you used to print from the old school computers... lol) every Sunday... so why am I having a hard time with it?

First... let me express my sincere thanks to God for blessing me this far! I'm very fortunate to be on the path that I am on.

BUT WHY ARE THINGS MOVING SO SLOW! God must be teaching me patience... cause I'm going through it! My job is like... playing hard to get or something. This training is killing me... one day I come in... the next I don't. I guess that wouldn't be such a bad thing if I was somewhere like Wilmington... or Salisbury where I have something to do... where I know my way around... and where I know people! I hate Greensboro!!! I hate it... I hate it... I hate it. My job is the only reason why I am even here!

God has got to have something in store for me... because I am definitely in the wilderness. The lonely wilderness... that's what I am going to start calling Greensboro... "the lonely wilderness", North Carolina! I want to be optimistic and make new friends... but I don't even know where to begin!

Ok... I just had to (as my internet friend Dutch says) GO AWF (go off)! This is getting really fustrating and all I have is me and my trusty, dusty, smoppy, floppy, precious... laptop! If it wasn't for Durand's blog tv broadcast (alcoholharmony get into it), youtube (lovebscott), facebook, twitter, and blogger... I would be out of it... cause t.v. ain't shit. We waste money on cable!

To my love... MUSIC! You are my peace and my serenity... without you... I would be insane! I thank God for you! Your always gonna be my #1!

So, I try to see the brightside... when things are looking dim... I try to be optimistic. LORD, I see you winkin' at me... and I trust that you have something up your sleeve to make this loneliness and frustration worth it. You suffered for my sake... so, I must endure as well. I press towards the mark... therefore I will patiently wait on you.

If anyone is in the area... hit a sister up! I need some positive friends that are artistic, spiritual and goal minded!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

creamy nightmare... 3/24/2009

2009-06-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

nothing jumped! i wasn't moved at all... it was like looking at a stranger.
i have been released from your death grip...
the grip i unfortunately put on my self!
the quest for self-gratification and lust is a pleasing, yet horrible journey...
and for those called according to HIS purpose, we reap what we sow.
but GOD forgives...

i am the one who has a problem forgiving myself...
until the day nothing inside me moved at the sight of him.
i was stand bold on GOD given strength... cause i'm not gonna lie...
this man's dick is a powerful tool ya'll and sex makes it even better.
knowing better i took on something, a trait unlike me, and entangled myself in a web of lust and past love with him.
this man makes my rivers flow like a broken dam... repeatedly... over and over again, until i am weak and in need of sleep.

in the morning... before class...

in the afternoon... before work...

at night before dinner... and after my nightly shower...

then we do it all again tomorrow.

but that was before the break-up... now we're sneaking around and all we have is the phone.
a part of me wants to see you...
most of me just wants to fuck you.

self-gratification and lust are temporary feelings... never fulfilling...
but i settled for it... for the satisfaction of making you cum more than once.

i've matured as a lover... thanks for that much...
thanks for sending me to the clinic and scarring me to death...
it made me wise up!
i never knew dick could make you go crazy....

this relationship was a dream...
a creamy nightmare!... that i never want to re-live again!

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Held... by 4 arms... 1/23/2009

2009-06-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

How does the heart have room to hold so much?
How does the mind conceive the thought of forgiveness when wronged?
Why isn't love already planned out for you so you won't be blessed with the burden to find the golden ticket?
The feeling of being held by the strong arms of a man can say so much to a woman's body...
The sincerity and strength that he puts into bringing me close to him...
The way his arms hold me say...
I'm sorry, I fucked up...
I miss you terribly...
Can I have your blessin' to be let back in your succulent sweet graces?
The flex of his chocolate muscles say I miss your touch and they melt to my curvaceous frame...
I didn't know that arms could say so much so silently...
My body's response sings his name...
I missed you too....
But I'm so scared...
Don't want to be fucked over again...
But you do something to me...
Why are you arms saying everything that I want to hear?
and... Why are your arms not the only ones my body has had a conversation with?
I feel another conversation coming before me...
These arms are so familiar...
When his arms around me they sing me a lullaby...
My body's reply is it's own lovely melody to match his lullaby of limbs...
We make a song that is as beautiful as that of Roberta and Donny...
But the song is only for a couple minutes...
This song has been sung for so long... but it's always had a different tune...
His arms have sung songs of...
I missed you...
I'm unsure...
I love you with the life of me...
But?...
Goodbye...
Welcome Back...
I guess?...
I want to... but I can't...
One conversation is held from the rear...
One conversation is embraced in front...
Held... by 4 arms...?
Two arms that hold me in the front aren't the same that hold me from the rear?
Held... by 4 arms...?
The two from the front are of a soft sweet caramel complexion with a healthy tone...
The two from the rear are of a dark chocolate complexion with scars that tell a story...
These arms...
I know them...
But they have never held me at the same time...
So why are they now?
Damn... Held... by 4 arms...

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Thought of Self... 3/28/2009

2009-06-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

Does what you think of yourself even matter...
Does truly being yourself make you even more perceptible to hurt and pain and the expense of a lover?
Cause you don't do things like his others...
Do you even find yourself questioning your self value?
Do you question it because of the things that you accept that you normally wouldn't?
Maybe its the things that he says...
Maybe its his friends...
Maybe its his lifestyle...
Maybe its his kids...
Maybe its what he values...
Maybe its who he screws...
Maybe its his family...
or maybe its you?
Why do we accept what we do... just to have a "boo?"
Being in love and the need to be loved leaves you vulnerable and fucked up...
then we get fed up, leave, now we're acting stuck up.
But when you fall in love with this man... truly in love... you feel his every pain, even though you may never understand... you feel his joys... stick through his strife...
As a woman we naturally nurture... what we naturally own and what we stake claim to.
But the question is has he latched on to you?
Everyone has different intentions... different motives.
Once he was a man of pure and earnest intentions, now he's comfortable, now he's trippin'.
You sat and accepted what was brought your way... thinking this may make you better in someway...
it's been sometime now and you've gotten played.
But at the end of the day... who really has the last say?
He slays you with his words just as well as his sword...
tangled up in a dance... throws your mind in a trance.
Now you've forgot why you were mad... no longer sad...
Here we are laying as lovers do... just that fast I'm back trusting you...
Until the phone rings... now who?

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

A Lost Lovers Soul... 5/20/2009

2009-06-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

How is a soul lost in love?
How can you let someone gain control of your spirit?
How can you let someone gain control of your mind?
...you are doing thing that you would never do.
...buying things to hold on to their love... but reality is you never had it.
...you are acting in manner that endangers your life and the lives of your family.
...just to obtain ones love.
Scorned time and time again... but never one lesson learned.
Six years of false love given... you cry tears the size of oceans...
cause unbenounced to you... you let her steal your manhood.
A man raised to a standard... with big shoes to fill?
How would your Daddy feel if he could see you now?
Don't let what was instilled in you fall on unfertile ground...
the older you get the more you should learn.
Where was your concious at?
You acted upon your pain and now your sitting starring at the piss stains on the wall of an open stall!
All for someone who doesn't mean shit to anyone...
...someone you literally gave your all for to make them feel like someone
...who in return stole who you were.
What did it profit you to gain her and loose your soul?
Maybe you will find the anwser as you sit in that cage... something that was never built for a man of your stature.
You were a father to me... before you even became one...
I never needed a Daddy I had you...
There is nothing wrong with wanting the love of another... but never at the cost of your soul.
Because of this... it makes me question how I love.
Nothing is more painful then to see the pain in a scorned lovers eyes...
you see them die to themselves in their stare.
But what makes it worse is when you watch this happen to someone who taught you how to love... and showed you what a man was.
Maybe this is a wake up call for me as well as him...
to show you... YOU CAN'T MAKE NOBODY LOVE YOU!
You can give them the world and your everything... but at the end of the day they still won't love you.
So love yourself... give yourself the world... and give God your everything...
then you will realize that what you need is not in your lover's hold.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

untitled... (when i miss u this is what i do...) 5/10/2009

2009-06-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

i'm searching for myself in you...
not for self identity but for my identity in love.
i am convinced that you hold it...
here i sit loveless and in love with no one to hold.
i sleep in your old t-shirts and pajama pants...
not for the feel of cotton but for the feel of you... the fabric of my heart.
sometimes when i need you near i pull your shirt up to my nose...
as if i am going to catch the sent of you.
damn i really miss you...
i sit and stare at pictures of old... and laugh at the stories they hold.
daily phone calls... texts about you... makes me wish i was still with you.
i would travel those 40 miles... everyday... just to be near you...
to smell your freshness right out the shower...
to rub your back... your arms and your legs... to sooth out any pain the day may have caused you...
to rub your temples to ease your mind...
then take your glasses off cause now you are safe and sound... asleep
to wake up before you... until your alarm goes off... then i act like i'm asleep
cause for the past 20 minutes i've watched you sleep...
i remember when i used to get up and brush my teeth right before you woke up...
so you wouldn't say my breath was sweet.
the inside jokes... our own dry candor... that's just me and you...
the message through the music... that's what you give me...
the sincerity in the words... is what i give to you.
i feel like i'm brewing the finest wine... doing everything to preserve its richness...
our love... our relationship is the wine... it's already got five years...
and wine gets better with time.

...............................just Miss Graham..................................

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

My Biggest Fear.. introducing "The Hellion!"

2009-06-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things that I was exposed to as a child that really makes me think hard about how I want to raise my own family when the time comes. I have just graduated from college... my career is starting up... and I know that family life is approaching... hopefully within the next 5 years.

I have one of the greatest mothers in the world. She is strong... she is a survivor. I am looking forward to inheriting some of her maternal instincts... but I don't want to inherit her luck with love. That is one of my biggest fears... failed relationship after failed relationship, and when you have children that takes a toll on them too.

I cannot recall any memories from my mother and father's marriage. He left when I was 2... and I have seen him sporadically ever since then. From what I know he wasn't a good husband or a good father and now he is in jail doing time for murder. That's basically me and his story. Every time he tried to start a father/daughter relationship... he would always punk out after like a week or 2.

I never really needed him... I grew up fortunate enough to have my great grandparents and my grandparents to live until high school... with one grandmother still standing... I have a bunch of aunts and uncles and most importantly my mother... But not to have a relationship with your father does hurt both consciously and subconsciously. I don't attribute certain behaviors to his absence... I'm a great, well rounded person.

My views on family life and relationships are attributed to his absence as well as growing up as a stepchild. I think this is the worse experience that a child can go through. I know that it doesn't turn out bad for everyone but this is just my personal opinion.

My biggest fear is that I will have children and that things won't work out with their father... leaving me single, them without a father, and on the search for a replacement. I do not want my children to be stepchildren. I have seen the effect it has had on my life and the lives of others and I just can't have that.

So what do you do? Do you stay alone until the children are old enough to find for themselves or do you keep dating? I know that I am a long way away from this issue (prayerfully it won't become an issue)... but I feel like I still harbor some anger against my mother for all that my sister and I went through due to her failed relationships. My mother has a great husband now... what happens between them still affects me because that's my mom... but it does not bother me as much because I am and adult... and I see things a little different now.

My mother's husband has a daughter who is... in my opinion... a complete hellion! I have done some shit in my day... but the things that she does, I would never! I didn't have the balls to even conceive the thought! Since my mom and her husband brought her to live with us... it has been hell for my family. I don't live at home... but the house consist of my sister, my cousin, my uncle, my mom, her husband, and his daughter. I know right...

This home is a testament to my grandparents hardwork and dedication to their children and grandchildren. I grew up in this home and it has been in perfect condition until... she came. We will just name her the hellion... so whenever you see "the hellion" you will know who I am speaking of.

So I get a call from my cousin saying that the hellion has gone ballistic in the house... locked herself in the bathroom and bust the window out! So my first though is OH HELL NO! I'm about to jump in the Seabring and get it poppin'. But then it hit me... What the hell can I do? I am in boring ass Greensboro. So the only thing I can think of is Granny. So I call to check on her and she says she is fine... but she wants the hellion out of her house. While talking to my grandmother I found out that the hellion has also destroyed some of her furniture that she has had for years. So in conclusion, my grandmother told my mom's husband that the hellion could not live in her home any longer and that he has to find somewhere for her to live.

Now what situation does that present my mother with? I think you get the picture. The hellion exudes the type of behavior of how a stepchild can behave. Personally, I think her fat ass was crazy before coming to us. But it just adds to my fears.

I have a dream...
I want to be married...
I want to be in a healthy and loving relationship that will be an example to my future children of what love and marriage is.
I want to have children who have both of their biological parents in the home who equally pour into their lives...
I know that everything won't be perfect... but for my family, I will anything to make that happen.

I wonder if parents realize that their personal relationships do effect the lives of their children? My mom always said... "Don't I have a life? Can't I just be happy?" ... and even as a child my question was... "Is this what you call happiness?"

So as an adult... I have my guard up. I just don't want to make my future husband pay for my (i guess i want to say...) mothers mistakes.

I don't know bloggers... Let me know. Give me some feedback.

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Love Knows no Bounds...

2009-06-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

Who defines what is acceptable in love? I was just reading a couple of blogs on myspace between my ex and I and I have to say that we were really in love. I truly believe that love knows no boundaries. I know it to be so because love and logic... they are like oil and water... they just do not mix. We did not have... maybe I should say don't have (our relationship is a never ending story) your ordinary, typical, relationship. There were a lot of things that were present in our lives that a lot of people... if put in that situation would just let go. But I couldn't let go. How do you let go of your dream? This man was my dream since the day I met him... I just didn't know it until months later. As for him... he didn't know it until a year or so later.

Love will make you do some crazy things... When you are truly in love, there is no limit to the things that you will do just to keep the one you love. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary as far as my actions... but mentally I have gone ballistic trying to concieve ways to keep this wheel turning... and that has been my focal point for 5 years. We have survived it all... I believe that our relationship made us stronger individually because we have dodged so many bullets.

Have you ever had friends who you thought were just the most supportive people in the world? ... Only to find out that they are only supportive of the things that they can comprehend. Once a situation arises that is beyond their level of understanding, you no longer have their support? I found that out during our relationship. His friends could not understand why we where dating... and my family and friends could not understand it either. All of our friends were friends with one another... so some of them tag teamed what seemed in my eyes to be just me only to discover that it was both of us. That really took a toll on our relationship... but we stuck it out for as long as we could. We ended up breaking up after eight months. But our relationship has never ended...

Eventhough we broke up... the fire has never gone out. Our love is a bittersweet symphony. I don't know why but no matter who comes... and who goes... at the end of it all we always comeback to each other. I have sometimes wondered if I truly, truly, let go... will we still end up together. But everytime I try my heart leads me back to him. He has open my eyes to so much... we've grown so much together. But I wonder if we will ever grow out of each other?

My biggest fear is that he won't be my husband. I feel that he is my soulmate... No one else fits! No one else complements me so well... But I wonder how he feels. I know some things... but I'm nosey, so I guess I don't know enough. Not enough for comfort or reassurance. I guess because I'm competing against something that may defeat me. I believe it's conquerable... but it's not my battle. Most say that I should just give it up... some say hang in there. I feel that I have invested too much physically, mentally, and spiritually. I've been giving this thing my all. Sometimes I feel that there is no fight left... but everytime he hugs me... nuzzles my cheek... plays a song for me, kisses me, bites his lip, pours into me, all the things that we share as lovers and best friends... it makes me want to fight more. The prize will be rewarding at the end.

What should I do? I'm want answers from those who don't know me...

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon