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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

randomness...(growingup)

so i am about to embark on my second transition as an adult...
i know this is going to work out because God's got my back. it's hard not to have reservations about this independent and exciting realness because this is my first time. i don't want to reveal what it is until it's official... so be looking for pictures in 2 weeks or less.

this week has been a hard week already... it's just hump day. but that's a good thing, because that means that a new week is on the horizon. i'm excited.
the job is still moving slow, but it's coming a long. i'm still getting paid... so all is well. i am itching to get to the "nittygritty though... i know your like "who actually want's to work?" ..but i love what i do.

i want to say that i thank God for my family... for their love and support. i think that i am finally being accepted as an adult and that they are ready to let me live off of what they have instilled in me. that feels so awesome! ...even granny! it means a lot to me that my family believes in me... and as the fear subsides... i feel the urge to fly!

ok....

so the "swain" is back from his voyage. i'm not sure how i feel yet? i almost pissed on myself when he said he missed me... hmm? i missed him too... i'm definitely happy that he made it home safely and i am extremely proud of what he has accomplished and the proof is aparent in his melodious sound.
it's funny... somethings never change and some old habits never die. i talk to him on the phone last night... he was throwing shade at me about music. lol... i think i'm getting good at finding music! i got georgia anne muldrow... umsindo (thanks blaklair! ;)) last night! too excited... anyway... it was cool... then the bliss ended quick... i lost his attention. same story... same scenario. calling other people and everything... but hey, that's him :l

i guess i said that to say that it doesn't bother me as much as it used to... but it's still a pet peeve! am i loosing it for him? probably temporarily... because that never lasts long.

where i am now in my life is a quest for some type of stability... in every facet. i want a solid relationship with the chance to grow into a marriage. someone who will be considerate of my feelings... and i of his. a man who will believe in me and support my goals and aspirations... not just deluge himself in the fact that i support his and not consider that i have them too. ...and of course a man who loves the things that i do. someone who is open minded to what he doesn't understand and willing to learn from me as well as i from him. well... that's my wishlist...

until later...

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Bestest Birthday Ever...

This birthday was absolutely everything!!! I had a great time in my beloved Salisbury with the greatest friends in the world (except my friends that are in Wilmington... :)miss you!)! I won't go day for day... or detail for detail cause I feel like I've said it 1,000 times over, but... I haven't had this much fun or been this excited in a long time.

... i just had to show you how fabulous I looked...

All I have to say is "Back they didn't want me... Now I'm hot they all on me!" Lol... I truly believe that when someone is out of sight, they are out of mind... until you see them again!

So for one... I pulled out an old coloring book and started coloring this weekend. Lol... it was fun, great, and sporadic! Not to mention that this coloring book is becoming more appealing now a days... it's still not all in the lines though. I said that I wouldn't color in this certain coloring book anymore ... but this night... I used every crayon in the box!

Now this next situation... I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it. It's this certain vintage mister that is feeling me. Now your probably thinking how vintage... let's say 20 years my senior. Hmm... what to do with that? Nothing more to say about this one... you know you will know if something becomes of this. But it probably won't because...

...He's back! We will refer to him as "the type"... cause he's what I want to have as a husband. There are some areas the type could work on but aside from that he's got it. He is the first man I have came in contact (for lack of a better word) with that I could see replacing the irreplaceable. We have been in contact for a couple of months now, but I ended up having to back up because he had more interest else where with a vintage madam. Well her aging beauty became too much to handle as we had first discovered from the beginning and now she's up for auctioning. See being a woman... secure in who an what you are... you can let em' go and if they come back then that's who you know. So, from me and the type's conversation... we might give this thing one more try. Stay tuned...

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace...
Avi'Qon

Friday, July 10, 2009

My dreams in black and white...

...the block that raised me... a community that embraced me... that my family uplifted through service to it's community... civically and spiritually. her name was alice... his name was james... we are the spicers... and i am the 1st greatgrand... i have the greatest responsibility.

... so lately my greatgrandma has been visiting me in my dreams... what is she trying to tell me?




...this is the house that i grew up in until i was 15 years old. this house has nurtured 3 generations ...
i think that i am still having a hard time with the fact that my family no longer owns this home. i know that it's just a house and that it is the people in it who make it a home... but it's my family's history. my grandma and her brothers, sisters, cousins... grew up in this house. my mother, her brother & sister, cousins... nurtured here. me, my mother, & my sister... lived here... grew up here! my memories are endless. but no one will ever understand because i was the only one that was there until the end. i saw it all and i know the story.

this house is my dream... i've been dreaming since it was stolen... from the hands it nurtured... and the soul of it was sold for something that was tangibly intangible.
this house is my dream... and one day my dream will come true...



this block... those trees in front of my dream... they tell the story of my family and my childhood...




she is telling me ...i'm the 1st greatgrand... i have the greatest responsibility... i have to get the dream back.


it may seem simple to you... but it's everything to me!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace...
Avi'Qon

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Questions Pt II! Re: Just Girl Talk...about what else... MEN!

She is Beautifully Human said:

Interesting indeed. The relationship I speak about in my blog is a past tense, but this post reflects much of what was happening and in some part how we got to the end. But, here's an a twist-I never had a title. It just "was". Nothing was ever established which I think was part of the problem. But love flowed. The obvious downside of no title, is well, no title, which is the complete absence of anything. So, all in all, I didn't really know how to act. Sometimes I was really removed and wanted to do my own thing, other times I was the "homey-lover-friend", then I felt like the wife-always supported his dreams, etc., etc. Always introduced as "my friend" but expected to do the my girlfriend/my lady/my woman thing. In the end of course, I was in the wrong(so says him). I say, and my mother agrees (and mama reigns supreme ;o)), he should have made an honest woman out of me. Call me old fashioned but I still think men should be responsible for taking things to the next level. What does a woman, who has all her stuff together, look like saying "you wanna be my man"? Nah uh! So, to your point, and I'll stop going on and on, titled or untitled, what are the rules? Are we not being as upfront on this topic of conversation with our significants as we should be? What's with the rampant bitchassness of some men? Why are they not stepping up?

Here it goes She is Beautifully Human:

I know exactly what your feeling hunnie! I know what it's like to "just be" and never establish anything. Your expected to be the homie... the lover... the girlfriend... the wife... all at one time. Just because he can't commit. But there are some women who do this forever until their significant decides they're ready to take it up a notch. But when is enough... enough? I think we are the same woman in 2 different places forreal! That's the same situation with my "swain" (as he is acknowledge on here)... but I think I've gotten to the point where enough is enough. Now... I'm not gonna lie... I'm waiting to see what happens, but it would be unfair to myself to sit idle and not live life and explore my options while waiting! I may miss what is truly meant for me... cause eventhough I may feel like he is it... he may very well not be. It took me a long time to get to that place. I'm almost completely ok with it... :/ But just like you said... the love still flows and that's what makes it hard to let go. You can't deny when love is there... the feeling is overwhelming... but so is being something different everyday based upon how they feel about you that day.

Your right She is Beautifully Human, what do women who have it all together (such as ourselves) look like saying "you wanna be my man?" I think a lot of women share the same anxiety when it comes to the topic of asking the man out... VULNERABILITY! We hate the thought of "coming on too strong... rejection (*points at myself*)... or even what will happen after he says yes. I'm not sure how I feel about that... I've always been an ol' fashioned girl as well, you never ask the man out. But I think that might be where we become a little oxymoroninc or I have been watching too much lifetime. We are women of the 21rst century, right? So we are "go getta's" we get what we want at any cost... so why should love be any different. Just something to think about.

In love there are no rules... love and logic don't mix! We are the one's who make the rules. How can you govern true love with rules? It sounds fairytail...ish but that's just how I feel. People are always saying how love knows no boundaries... rules are boundaries! Think about the things we accept when we are in love... think about the things that don't matter... if we left it up to logic... we would never have love. I think the rules come in when our ego's come into play. Our pride can cause a lot of confusion in love. I would even go so far to say that the 2 in love don't think about the rules until our friends remind us of them. "Nah uh, girl you gonna let him do that?"... "Let him call you!"... "Man you whipped!".... "She got you like that?"... "I wouldn't put up with that." <---------- Shit like this! (ooops... I got mad). Now, I'm not a precious little lamb... but I do try my best not to endulge in this because it has been done to me time and time again. Now, when it comes to stupid stuff... I kind of yield to my inhibitions and say what's on my mind... I have a high tolerance for a lot... but stupid stuff I just don't have time for. No (like you said) "bitchassness!" As far as if we aren't being as upfront as we should be about this topic with our significant... I can't really say. It's depending on the person. I know for me it takes me a minute... like I said I can tolerate a lot and sometimes (i'm not gonna lie) if we are in that blissful state and he is "coloring" right... it's the farthest thing from my mind... cause in my mind we are something we're not and I get side tracked. Sorry... it's the power of the penis. But it really takes a lot because I feel like I will mess up the little bit of happiness we do have and I will loose him. But that's only with "swain"... oh and with "tall dark and stupid", but I finally gave him the axe ... but others, I can tell them to kick rocks fast. I say that to say that there are many factors that contribute to our censoring of our feelings about our "relationships" with our others. Now this rampant "bitchassness" you speak off... eventhough I fall victim sometimes... MEN ONLY DO WHAT WE ALLOW THEM TO! SideNote: I will never say anything or try to give any advice without checking myself first... So that is why you read frequent disclosure throughout my blogs. I just wouldn't be real if I didn't get myself together too! I think that's why the first couple of months are always so good. We study each other for many reasons and seeing what we can get away with is one of them. Once we master this... the cockiness arises. So, some men get to the point when they know we aren't going anywhere and they abuse that loyalty... and we don't do anything to shake things up to let them know that that is not completely true... until we finally leave.

So that's why they aren't stepping it up, for one. Another reason is when we are really into a man or we have invested a lot into our "relationships" we become complacent with whatever he decides because we've put too much into this to just let it go. With that, they feel as if you ain't complaining then they are straight. We don't stick to our standards in order to get what we want. We give in so easily that we don't give them anything to work towards having. I think our views on what we are supposed to do as a significant attribute a lot to men not stepping it up. They're already getting all the advantages of a girlfriend and/or wife. You may live together, cook, clean, and his #1 fan at everything he does. When he needs to come home to comforting arms... there you are. For some of us we are the pages of his diary... we are the one he shares his dreams, his fears, and his loves... we are also the one he lashes out at (some of us). More than likely you have an active "coloring book" (sex life)... so what else is there? In some instances you already have a family.... So why get married or take it to the next level (whatever that may be) when you already have everything?

So, my question is what do we do? What do we do to make him work at or aspire to take it to the next level? Do we close the "coloring book"? Do limit what we do and how we are there for them? What do we do to get what we want?

You challenged me on this one She is Beautifully Human, thanks girl! You made me think!


Hit me up and let me know what you think!


~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Questions Pt: I! Re: Just Some Girl Talk... about what else... MEN!

from.... prettygirldelores
via: facebook

I agree with your new blog. I have been working overtime for a situation that has a friend title too. I love it. Keep them coming.I have one question about your thoughts on a topic. what are your thoughts on playing the same role for several years?

ok prettygirldelores this is what i think...

Honestly... I am really on the fence about playing the same role. Like I said in my blog... I have been in a emotional rollercoaster with... we will call him my "swain" for 5 years. The 1st year and 1/2 I chased him. Showing up where he was... showing up at his room unannounced... just finding any and every opportunity to be in his space... anyway I could. Then we went through the whole sneaking around... until it became obvious thing for about 6 months. We finally started dating and we stayed together for 8 months. Since then I have been a number of different things to this man...

... I played so many different roles because I couldn't conceive the thought of letting him go. I put a lot of this on myself because I was willing to accept whatever just to be with him (omg... that is the first time I have admitted that). But during all of this, because I didn't recognize my roll... I played myself and got caught up in some drama that really had nothing to do with me. But because in my mind we were more than what we were I got all bent out of shape and selfish... and made myself the victim to only end up looking stupid.

But I said that to say that we play the same role (in your case)... or many roles for the one we love (I am assuming that you love him... cause I don't think that you would stick it out for three years if you didn't) because the ultimate goal is to win his love completely and to gain the affection and title that we have been dreaming about since this rendezvous began. We also find ourselves in these positions because we have "colored" with this man (If you don't know what "coloring" is... watch sex in the city movie! (thanks komplexty86) it means to have sex)! When we engage in "coloring" with a man... whether it starts out as no strings attached or not... we end up getting in our feelings. ...and if you have feelings for this man it 2x as bad! It's called the power of the penis. Sad but true... it holds a lot of power!


The penis is a powerful tool... but we have power too! Now, I'm definitely trying to learn exactly how to tap into that power. But I know that we can began to take that power back by not settling for whatever we are given. We have to set standards and abide by them (I AM PREACHING TO MYSELF HERE... not just to you). So
prettygirldelores, set some standards for yourself and stick to your guns and if your friend can't get with that then tell him... "I throw them... you kick em'... ROCKS! Tell him to kick rocks because you deserve better and you can't continue to settle for less! He's got to get it together or get lost!


I feel like I have rambled on and on but I hope I was of some assistance.
If you have any more questions or comments PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING! This was fun and I enjoy interacting with my readers! If anyone else has any input, advice, comments, or more questions for me or prettygirldelores please comment below or hit me up at aviebabie2008@yahoo.com and I will hit you back as soon as possible! Love ya!

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Just Some Girl Talk... about what else... MEN!

As women... why do we settle when it comes to our men? Why do we always have to be the exception of the rule when it comes to them?

This is a question I have found myself asking as I counsel and lend an ear to some of my besties this week... better yet this past month... well really since summer started. I've heard people say that men tend to start acting up when it gets hot... but I think they act how they want to act, when they want to act that way. Now, I'm not putting all men in a box... because not all men act that way (I'm hoping).

I feel like we (women) go through a lot to keep our men happy (some women... the other half are just as bad as niggas... they could careless). I know that I do... I try my best to keep my man happy... that's important to me as his girlfriend. I have a habit of doing everything I can to take care of him, be his #1 fan, make sure I did all I can to help him reach his full potential... you know... be "down" for him. But that's where some of us take it too far... we are girlfriends... NOT WIVES!

I am the number one culprit of this! So, I am preaching to the choir director. But I've experienced a lot in the past year and 1/2... and I feel like if we play the role of what we are "the girlfriend" and set limits... then we give our "boyfriends" something to look forward to... something to work towards. I think that the relationship can have something to build on that will lead up to a possible marriage.

Now, if your anything like me... you are not trying to warm the jackpot just for the next chick to win the prize! Some of us put a lot of effort into our relationships only to set the next girl up... it's not fair... but sometimes it's like that. But personally I have put 5 years into my emotional rollercoaster with my swain and I'm not doing that so someone else can reap the benefits... it's been blood, sweat, and tears... and they weren't shed only for me to end up with him... but that it will make him a better man... as a person and relationship wise. Now in this emotional rollercoaster... I have played the wife... and I still don't know how I feel about that. But I have been doing this so long that it comes so naturally... hmm... (ok... i went to a place. *sigh*... i'm back now).

I think the main reason we do the things we do because we seek assurance. We have to know... verbally, physically, and mentally... who and what we are to our man. But I wish for one day I could be a man. I want to see how they deal with their position in regards to us, cause they seem to handle everything so well... unless it just really gets under their skin. (ok... i'm about to get a little vulgar)... I want to be able to truly fuck with out reservation or feelings. To get up and walk away from the situation like I just had an intense work out and now I'm about to go home and take a shower and watch the game. Just to see how it feels to be emotionally unattached!

... to be able to ignore him when I feel like it. To be able to get all of his attention when I want it and when I'm done I can go off about my business and not think twice about it. TO BE ABLE TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TO.. WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE! That's how they do us! ... and if I'm being to harsh or over exaggerating let me know, please!

So, I think we should act according to our titles... or lack there of! If your talking... just talk (remember... your just talking... keep back up! he could change his mind at any minute)! If your the cuttie buddie... then just "ride the dick" (lol... fan, ent!). If your the beau (boo)... then just be the beau (which means your not obligated to anything... there is no commitment)! If your the girlfriend... be the girlfriend (you don't have to do what a wife does... and everytime you feel like you should... check the 4th finger left hand)!

I don't know about you.. but I'm tired of working overtime and not getting paid for it. I might bite my words later... but I'm sticking to my job description (my title) until otherwise notified. All this "you know what you are"... "I know it's more... he just hasn't said it"... I'm tired of these subliminal titles! Lol...





Me personally... I am just a friend from what I have been told... so it's time for me to step back and play my role until otherwise notified!


~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon





Friday, July 3, 2009

Go Green...

sitting in my room...
looking @ the wind blow from my window
look at the trees...
you ever notice how they sway?
they move to whatever God's rhythm is that day.
they recognize that it's his will...
and none of their own.
the way the limbs submit to his will is amazing!
their submissiveness is involuntary...
and i want to be just like the trees.
with my roots soaking up all knowledge of his glory...
my trunk standing firm in my faith... strong and never wavering!
my crown focused on him...
and my leaves... representing my life... you can look at me and tell that he lives in me.
just like the branches... going with God's flow.
no questions asked...
i guess that would make things easier...
i got a message in the wind...
submit to his will and submit to his way.

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

CagedBird... 6/15/2009

You ever been set free?
... But opted to stay captive.
The cage has open to let you fly free...
But the cage you have been confined to is your home.
I feel that "home" is where I belong.
You've open the door to let me fly free...
I flew out...
... But I always fly back in.
I've explored other places but nothing compares to home.
I almost moved in somewhere else...
... But everywhere else requires a pre-term lease.
But at home is where I'm free.
I'm just me.
No lip gloss, no new doo, no research required.
I can kick my shoes off, wrap my hair, and put on my cami and spanky shorts...
Your house or my house...
Home is where you are and that's where I belong.
Nowhere else suits me or compliments me as well.
So I will leave the cage door open while I'm waiting for you to comeback and make it home once again.
But while I'm waiting I will fly out from time to time, but I will always fly back in...

© the thoughts and feelings of graham, 2009

~Thanks for reading... and if you haven't clicked that follow button on the right side above my loyal community, please do and join the land of Complex Serenity.
Love & Peace... Avi'Qon